Discworld

"Sybil leafed through a small pile of pastel envelopes that had been inserted into her breakfast tray. “Well, the news has got around,” she said.“The Duchess of Keepsake has invited us to a ball, Sir Henry and Lady Withering have invited us to a ball, and Lord and Lady Hangfinger have invited us to, yes, a ball!” “Well,” said Vimes,“that’s a lot of—” “Don’t you dare, Sam!” his wife warned and Vimes finished lamely, “...invitations?” (p. 30)"

"Vimes’s lack of interest in other people’s children was limitless, but he could count. “And the last one?” “Oh Hermione, she may be difficult as she has rather scandalized the family, at least in their opinion.” “How?” “She’s a lumberjack.” Vimes thought for a moment and said, “Well, dear, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a man with a lot of wood must be in want of a wife who can handle a great big—” (p. 31)"

"Very interested indeed in rubber, so I heard, but it takes all sorts to make a world and it would be a funny old place if we were all the same, and especially if we were all like him. (p. 48)"

"“Your grandfather always told me that if I saw a big pile of muck in a field I should kick it around a bit so as to spread it evenly, because that way all the grass will grow properly.” She smiled at Vimes’s expression and said, “Well, it’s true, dear. A lot of farming is about manure.” (p. 53)"

"“I don’t care to drink with them as grinds the faces of the poor!” Vimes held his gaze, and said, “Sorry, I didn’t bring my grinder with me today.” (p. 64)"

"As far as Sam Vimes was concerned, he liked tea, but tea was not tea if, even before drinking, you could see the bottom of the cup. Still worse than the stuff he was being offered was the conversation, which inclined toward bonnets, a subject on which his ignorance was not just treasured but venerated. (p. 74)"

"Well, we live and learn, Vimes thought, or perhaps more importantly, we learn and live. (p. 116)"

"There passed between husband and wife a look that deserved the status of telepathy. (p. 132)"

"Time to be a real copper, lad. Do the right thing and fudge the paperwork afterward, like I do. (p. 144)"

"That just goes to show that you never know, although what it is we never know I suspect we’ll never know. (p. 168)"

"I tell you, commander, it’s true that some of the most terrible things in the world are done by people who think, genuinely think, that they’re doing it for the best, especially if there is some god involved. (p. 219)"

"Good people have no business being so bad. Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to. (p. 220)"

"There were times when the world did not need policemen, because what it really did need was for somebody who knew what they were doing to shut it all down and start it all up again so that this time it could be done properly… (p. 234)"

"It always embarrassed Samuel Vimes when civilians tried to speak to him in what they thought was “policeman.” If it came to that, he hated thinking of them as civilians. What was a policeman, if not a civilian with a uniform and a badge? But they tended to use the term these days as a way of describing people who were not policemen. It was a dangerous habit: once policemen stopped being civilians the only other thing they could be was soldiers. (pp. 244-245)"

"As for the law, don’t try to talk to me about the law. I am not above the law, but I stand right underneath it, and I hold it up!…Justice, not convenience, will be served. (p. 303; ellipsis represents a brief elision for the sake of continuity)"

"Vetinari always said, “What is normal? Normal is yesterday and last week and last month taken together.” (p. 311)"

"But sometimes you should follow the arrogance…You should look for those who can’t believe that the law would ever catch them, who believe that they act out of a right that the rest of us do not have. The job of the officer of the law is to let them know that they are wrong! (p. 403)"

"He was eating a roasted rabbit like there was no tomorrow—which clearly had been the case for the rabbit. (p. 417)"

"You’re just a bully who found it easier and easier and decided that everybody else wasn’t really a real person, not like you, and when you know that, there’s no crime too big, is there? No crime you won’t do. (p. 432)"

"Woman’s logic, Sam thought: everything is going to be all right because it ought to be all right. The trouble is, reality is never as simple as that and doesn’t allow for paperwork. (p. 437)"

"Can I make one thing perfectly clear, your grace, the law cannot act retrospectively. If it did, none of us would be safe. (p. 460)"

"It is hard to understand nothing, but the multiverse is full of it. (p. 1)"

"After all, if you can’t trust governments, whom can you trust? (p. 56)"

"Vetinari sighed and continued, “Though of course I do not imagine it is in my remit to monitor the private doings of my people.” “My Lord,” interjected Drumknott. ”As a tyrant that is, in fact, exactly what you do.” (p. 63)"

"The aristocrats, if such they could be called, generally hated the whole concept of the train on the basis that it would encourage the lower classes to move about and not always be available. (p. 89)"

"I know that monks have been carefully shepherding the world, but I rather think they don’t realize that the sheep sometimes have better ideas. (p. 102)"

"In my day we were all so…so relentlessly physical. But if I was to suggest so much as an egg and spoon race these days they’d use the spoon to eat the egg. (p. 50)"

"“As a wizard, I must tell you that words have power.” “As a politician, I must tell you I already know.” (p. 52)"

"It’s a short walk from the palace to Unseen University; positions of power like to keep an eye on one another. (p. 54)"

"“’Ow do I know I can trust you?” said the urchin. “I don’t know,” said Ridcully. “The subtle workings of the brain are a mystery to me, too. But I’m glad that is your belief.” (p. 56)"

"“When you live there, it’s safer that way. Anyway, you have to support your own.” “But is it not a game, like spillikins or halma or Thud?” “No! It’s more like war, but without the kindness and consideration!” (p. 63)"

"“Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, “The mountain is, and is not.” They would think, “The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.” (pp. 72-73)"

"“But here I am. You asked why I am strong? When I lived in the dark of the forge, I used to lift weights. The tongs at first, and then the little hammer and then the biggest hammer, and then one day I could lift the anvil. That was a good day. It was a little freedom.” “Why was it so important to lift the anvil?” “I was chained to the anvil.” (p. 87)"

"“You two have a history, I think,” said Nutt. “You are a sharp one, aren’t you? Quiet and sharp. Like a knife. Yeah, I suppose it was a history. I wanted it to be more of a geography, but she kept slappin’ my hand.” (p. 88)"

"Don’t be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through. (p. 116)"

"“It’s a kind of medicine with words,” said Nutt, carefully. “Sometimes people fool themselves into believing things that aren’t true. Sometimes that can be quite dangerous for the person. They see the world in a wrong way. They won’t let themselves see that what they believe is wrong. But often there is a part of the mind that does know, and the right words can let it out.” (pp. 117-118)"

"Glenda enjoyed her job. She didn’t have a career; they were for people who could not hold down jobs. (p. 124)"

"The wizards paid no further attention and settled down to the passing of cups, the handing round of the sugar bowl, the inspection of the quality of the chocolate biscuits with a view to taking more than one’s entitlement and all the other little diversions without which a committee would be a clever device for making worthwhile decisions quickly. (pp. 129-130)"

"Weapons got you killed, often because you were holding one. (p. 180)"

"“It’s positively an offense against morality.” “How? Where? Only in your heads, I feel.” (p. 189)"

"“I’m sorry we seem to have loaded you down a bit. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate.” “I’m sure it wasn’t, too, sir. Very little around here is.” Ponder sighed. “I’m afraid that unthinking delegation and prevarication and procrastination are standard practice here.” (pp. 209-210)"

"A lot hinges on the fact that, in most circumstances, people are not allowed to hit you with a mallet. They put up all kinds of visible and invisible signs that say “Do not do this” in the hope that it’ll work, but if it doesn’t, then they shrug, because there is, really, no real mallet at all. (p. 225)"

"Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn’t work before? (p. 236)"

"The Patrician took a sip of his beer. “I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect I never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that’s when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. (pp. 236-237)"

"“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.” (p. 251)"

"People who had no real idea why they were doing so congregated to listen to other people who also did not know anything, on the basis that ignorance shared is ignorance doubled. (p. 258)"

"“That is a magnificent distillation of the situation,” said Hix. “Which is incredibly helpful while at the same time inaccurate in every possible way.” (p. 291)"

"“Are you worthy?” said the woman. “What sort of question is that to ask a stranger?” “An interesting and possibly revealing one. Do you think the world is a better place with you in it, and would you do me the courtesy of actually thinking about your answer rather than pulling one off the ‘affronted’ rack?” I’m afraid there’s far too much of that these days. People believe that acting and thinking are the same thing.” (p. 314)"

"“They put it like that?” said Glenda, wide-eyed. “Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,” said Ponder. “I seriously think they think that it’s their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.” (p. 325)"

"“Thank you Mr. Forefather. Pretty soon there’ll be a lot of journalists coming to see all this and I’m sorry about that, but they turn up like flies.” “That’s all right, sir. Good for business. Journalists drink twice as much as anyone else and for twice as long.” (p. 191)"