Discworld

"Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they’re allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean. (p. 70)"

"Most people have some means of filling up the gap between perception and reality, and, after all, in those circumstances there are far worse things than gin. (p. 72)"

"Some distance away from Madam Frout’s Academy, in Esoteric Street, were a number of gentlemen’s clubs. It would be far too cynical to say that here the term “gentlemen” was simply defined as “someone who can afford five hundred dollars a year”; they also had to be approved of by a great many other gentlemen who could afford the same fee. And they didn’t much like the company of ladies. This was not to say that they were that kind of gentlemen, who had their own, rather better decorated clubs in another part of town, where there was generally a lot more going on. These gentlemen were gentlemen of a class who were, on the whole, bullied by ladies from an early age. Their lives were steered by nurses, governesses, matrons, mothers, and wives, and after four or five decades of that the average mild-mannered gentleman gave up and escaped as politely as possible to one of these clubs, where he could snooze the afternoon away in a leather armchair with the top button of his trousers undone. (pp. 78-79)"

"It was a mystery to her why Death had started using the place. Of course, he did have many of the qualities of a gentleman; he had a place in the country—a far, dark country—was unfailingly punctual, was courteous to all those he met—and sooner or later he met everyone—was well if soberly dressed, at home in any company, and, proverbially, a good horseman. The fact that he was the Grim Reaper was the only bit that didn’t quite fit. (pp. 79-80)"

"And as far as Susan was concerned... Well, she was partly immortal, and that was all there was to it. She could see things that were really there,† she could put time on and take it off like an overcoat. Rules that applied to everyone else, like gravity, applied to her only when she let them."

"It was hard to deal with people when a tiny part of you saw them as a temporary collection of atoms that would not be around in another few decades. (p. 81)"

"“No one would be that stu—” Susan stopped. Of course someone would be that stupid. Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying “End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,” the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry. (p. 82)"

"Susan did not waste breath saying things like, “That’s impossible” at a time like this. Only people who believed that they lived in the real world said things like that. (p. 83)"

"Susan did an unusual thing and listened. That’s not an easy task for a teacher. (p. 86)"

"He wasn’t sure he liked everything that was happening, but a lot of it was “cultural,” apparently, and you couldn’t object to that, so he didn’t. “Cultural” sort of solved problems by explaining that they weren’t really there. (p. 90)"

"“What precisely was it you wanted, madam?” she said. It’s just that I’ve left the class doing algebra, and they get restless when they’ve finished.” “Algebra?” said Madam Frout, perforce staring at her own bosom, which no one else had ever done. “But that’s far too difficult for seven-year-olds!” “Yes, but I didn’t tell them that and so far they haven’t found out,” said Susan. (p. 95)"

"A chocolate you did not want to eat does not count as chocolate. This discovery is from the same branch of culinary physics that determined that food eaten while walking along contains no calories. (p. 97)"

"The wise man does not seek enlightenment, he waits for it. So while I was waiting, it occurred to me that seeking perplexity might be more fun. (p. 102)"

"History needs shepherds, not butchers. (p. 104)"

"Look, boy, violence is the resort of the violent. (p. 105)"

"”What kind of philosophy is that?” (p. 123)"

"“I’ve got a question. Can you give me a straight answer?” “I’ll try, of course.” “What the hell is going on?” Lu-Tze brushed the snow off a rock. “Oh,” he said. “One of the difficult questions.” (p. 143)"

"Igor had to admit it. When it came to getting weird things done, sane beat mad hands down. (p. 143)"

"“Lemme see...okay...think of the smallest amount of time that you can. Really small. So tiny that a second would be like a billion years. Got that? Well, the cosmic quantum tick...that’s what the abbot calls it...the cosmic quantum tick is much smaller than that. It’s the time it takes to go from now to then. The time it takes an atom to think of wobbling. It’s—” “It’s the time it takes for the smallest thing that’s possible to happen to happen?” said Lobsang. “Exactly. Well done,” said Lu-Tze. (p. 152)"

"It is essential for humans to use the personal pronoun. It divides the universe into two parts. The darkness behind the eyes, where the little voice is, and everything else. (pp. 159-160)"

"Sometimes thinking is like talking to another person, but that person is also you. (p. 160)"

"The Auditors avoided death by never going so far as to get a life. They strove to be as indistinguishable as hydrogen atoms, and with none of the latter’s joie de vivre. (p. 161)"

"They built a woman. It was a logical choice. After all, while men wielded more obvious power than women, they often did so at the expense of personal danger, and no Auditor liked the prospect of personal danger. Beautiful women often achieved great things, on the other hand, merely by smiling at powerful men. (p. 161)"

"They were learning fast, or at least collecting data, which they considered to be the same as learning. (p. 161)"

"“Well, I just...I thought...well, I just thought you’d be teaching me more, that’s all.” ”I’m teaching you things all the time,” said Lu-Tze. “You might not be learning them, of course.” (p. 170)"

"In the Second Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised, a story is written concerning one day when the apprentice Clodpool, in a rebellious mood, approached Wen and spake thusly: ”Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?” Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: “A fish!” And Clodpool went away, satisfied. (p. 170)"

"Different generations went round through the whole stupid disaster again and again, shouting “Remember Koon Valley!” as they did so.†"

"You had to hand it to human beings. They had one of the strangest powers in the universe. Even her grandfather had remarked upon it. No other species anywhere in the world had invented boredom. Perhaps it was boredom, not intelligence, that had propelled them up to the evolutionary ladder. Trolls and dwarfs had it, too, that strange ability to look at the universe and think “oh, the same as yesterday, how dull. I wonder what happens if I bang this rock on that head?” (pp. 174-175)"

"Around her, historians climbed library ladders, fumbled books onto their lecterns, and generally rebuilt the image of the past to suit the eyesight of today. (p. 176)"

"“A loophole,” said Susan. ”Well, why can’t you find one, too?” (p. 182)"

"Look, that’s why there’s rules, understand? So that you think before you break ‘em. (p. 205)"

"The Auditors had tried to understand religion, because so much that made no sense whatsoever was done in its name. But it could also excuse practically any kind of eccentricity. Genocide, for example. (pp. 221-222)"

"Death was nonplussed. It was like asking a brick wall what it thought of dentistry. As a question, it made no sense. (p. 226)"

"Emergent behavior again. Complications always crept in. Everything changed. (p. 227)"

"“What did you say?” ”I said it’s uncertain death.” ”Is that worse than certain death?” ”Much. Watch.” Susan picked up a hammer that was lying on the floor and poked it gently toward the clock. It vibrated in her hand when she brought it closer, and she swore under her breath as it was dragged from her fingers and vanished. Just before it did, there was a brief, contracting ring around the clock that might have been something like a hammer would be if you rolled it very flat and bent it into a circle. ”Have you any idea why that happened?” she said. ”No.” ”Nor have I. Now imagine that you were the hammer. Uncertain death, see?” (p. 239)"

"Lu-Tze was eight hundred years old, and that was why he was having a rest. A hero would have leaped up and rushed out into the silent city and then— And there you had it. Then a hero would have had to wonder what to do next. Eight hundred years had taught Lu-Tze that what happens, stays happened. It might stay happened in a different set of dimensions, if you wanted to get technical, but you couldn’t make it unhappen. (p. 253)"

"Lu-Tze had long considered that everything happens for a reason, except possibly football. (p. 253)"

"“You, er, you appreciate art?” Lobsang ventured. “I know what I like,” said Susan, still staring at the busy gray figures. “And right now I’d like quite a lot of weaponry.” (p. 264)"

"“I was one of them,” said Lady LeJean. “Now I rather think I’m one of me.” (p. 271)"

"“We don’t use people as furniture,” said Susan. “But surely they will not be aware of it,” said her ladyship. “We will,” said Lobsang. “That’s the point, really.” (p. 273)"

"It was a lie. But he wasn’t ready for the truth. By the look of his face, he wasn’t even ready for the lie. (p. 273)"

"Seeing things a human shouldn’t have to see makes us human. (p. 274)"

"“Let’s all keep our parts to ourselves,” and suddenly she gave Susan a wink, “as the High Priest said to the actress.” (p. 274)"

"“You’re giving me a stern look, miss.” “Well, yes. It was rather a chilly decision, wasn’t it?” “Someone has to make ’em,” said Mrs. Ogg sharply. “Besides, I’ve been around for some time and I’ve noticed that them as has it in them to shine will shine through six layers of muck, whereas those who ain’t shiny won’t shine however much you buff ’em. You may think otherwise, but it was me standing there.” (p. 279)"

"Susan was sensible. It was, she knew, a major character flaw. It did not make you popular, or cheerful, and—this seemed to her to be the most unfair bit—it didn’t even make you right. But it did make you definite, and she was definite that what was happening around her was not, in any accepted sense, real. (p. 281)"

"“One of life’s little certainties,” said Susan, standing on the edge of the museum’s parapet, “is that there is generally a last chocolate hidden in all those empty wrappers.” (p. 284)"

"He reached into his pack for the battered copy of the Way, and opened it at random. Koan ninety-seven: “Do unto otters as you would have them do unto you.” Hmm. No real help there. Besides, he’d occasionally been unsure that he’d written that one down properly, although it certain had worked. He’d always left aquatic mammals well alone, and they had done the same to him. He tried again. Koan one hundred and twenty-four: “It’s amazing what you see if you keep your eyes open.” (p. 287)"

"“What chocolate do we have left?” “We’re down to the nougat now,” said Unity. “And I believe nougat is a terrible thing to cover with chocolate, where it can ambush the unsuspecting.” (p. 310)"

"Fear, anger, envy...emotions bring you to life, which is a brief period just before you die. (p. 312)"

"“It makes you wonder if there is anything to astrology after all.” “Oh, there is,” said Susan. “Delusion, wishful thinking, and gullibility.” (p. 321)"