Creature Comforts

"Nigel the Slug: The burning bush?"

"Gary the Slug: It's called a burning bush."

"Nigel the Slug: A burning bush?"

"Gary the Slug: A burning bush, it's called, and basically, it goes green, and when it dies, it goes to die off, it goes completely brilliant red. That's why they call it a burning bush, 'cause actually, it goes from a nice dark green to a real burning red. And that's called the burning bush. It just goes to, like, branches, in little branches and then it goes green and then goes all over it again but the tree never goes away, it stays there all the time, so it's a bush that's there, well I should say a shrub... as well as a bush, what is there all year round?"

"Megan the Seagull: English food is very bland, isn't it?"

"Gladys the Seagull: Yeah, but I'm not I'm not terribly spicy, I'm not, well, i like spices, but the spices don't like me, know what I mean?"

"Megan the Seagull: I like spices, and I like all kinds, and there's nothing 'round here anyway, is there?"

"Chappie the Horse: The trouble with the foods we eat now is there's too much fat in 'em, and the worst thing that happens in this country is too many people eat chips."

"Frank the Tortoise: Ooh... eggs and chips. Egg, chips, gammon, erm... [pauses] Chip butties!"

"Pickles the Dog: You know, if I have too much chocolate, I get a bit fat [giggles] and I put on a little weight."

"Earl the Greyhound: The main staple diet for runners is, uh... [race starts]"

"Constantine the Stallion: We had, er, in fact, we have wild strawberries, we have wild strawberries, er, and, of course, if it was acorn, acorn time, you could always eat an acorn. And even a thistle. You could always peel the top off a thistle."

"Dennis the Dung Beetle: So long as it's filling, and... barely edible, I'll pretty much eat it, I'm always too hungry to be picky."

"Grace the Spider: I don't catch flies, because they eat poo. And I don't like poo."

"Sapphire the Dolphin: I hate seafood, I really, absolutely detest it. I did eat a fish once, about two years ago, and it was disgusting."

"Anthony the Pig: [scoffing] Vegetarians! Vegetarians... I think they're sort of... trying to be better than the rest of us. Y'know, it's been proved, as far as I know, that the best thing to eat is a bit of yourself."

"Pickles the Dog: Actually, um, beans make me wind, and lemonade makes me burp! [laughs hysterically]"

"Silent Mouse: What are you looking at?"

"Pickles the Dog: Oh, I love Blackpool. Little stick of Blackpool rock. Get that on George Formby, don't you? "My little stick of Blackpool rock!" [laughs hysterically]"

"Fluffy the Hamster: I'm not very good at swimming. I just sink. Don't know why that is. I do, though, it's true, cause people say if you lie on your back, you float, well, you don't. Well, I don't, I just sink."

"Vivian the Crab: Oh, the best place for rockpooling is definitely, uh, Sidmouth. Really, really, really lovely rockpools, everywhere. And, um, I was, rockpooling with all the little kids, and, err, sort of digging around with them and marvelling at nature. God, this disgusting thing, this... "turdfish", and it comes up really suddenly, and I pulled it up and I was trying to sort of marvel at it with the children, God, it was so disgusting, and I just ended up screaming and chucking it back."

"Clement the Bloodhound: Poor old hamsters, running around on a wheel. Why do they do it? Those fellas daft as a two-bob watch, I should think. Them poor bloody hamsters, thinking "I can get out of here in about two minutes flat! Ha!" And then they find out they ain't going nowhere. Just like the rest of us. We're all on the bloody wheel ourselves, aren't we?"

"Jill the Dog: Stick insects are the most stupid creatures in the world. I mean, "Look at me, pretending to be a log, isn't that clever?" "Ooh, I'm a... I'm a little twig, isn't that great?" I mean, dogs are far better than that!"

"Trixie: I wouldn't put a price ticket on meself."

"Captain Cuddlepuss: No... no, not at all."

"Captain Cuddlepuss: I wouldn't even sell you."

"Trixie: I wouldn't sell you, either."

"Captain Cuddlepuss: Aww."

"Trixie: Aww!"

"Clement the Bloodhound: And so I'm nicely happy in my life. I've been took off the shelf, and that's, like, a nice family that I'm in now, and that's a very comfortable sort of feeling."

"Stick Insect: Jill has a tendency, um, most mornings, actually, to claim that at some point during the previous night... I farted very loudly."

"Fluffy the Hamster: The difference between me and a monkey would be mainly that, um... monkeys... uh, they live in the jungle, and I live in... Catford."

"Dennis the Dung Beetle: Humans were created by this giant cosmic cow licking a stone, and as it licked this stone, the humans rolled off."

"Fluffy the Hamster: Well, you know, evolution, that's all a load of rubbish, isn't it, that's not true, is it? It's a load of rubbish. How can you possibly 'evolve' a set of wings? It's not gonna happen, is it? I mean, I'd like a set of wings. I'd love a set of wings, in fact, if I could have anything, I'd definitely have a set of wings, but... it wouldn't matter how many times I jumped off a tall building... I'd never grow wings. And even if I jumped off a tall building, and then my child jumped off a tall building, and his child jumped off a tall building, and we did that for ever and ever and ever, [clears throat] there is not the slightest chance that wings would grow out of my back."

"Muzulu the Performing Monkey: We'd be able to do some good tricks if we had a couple more legs. I'm sure we'd be able to work out some new stunts for the show, so that could be a positive advantage, definitely at this stage."

"Toto the Performing Monkey: Depends whose legs they were, don't it, eh?"

"Muzulu the Performing Monkey: Um, I think, I mean, obviously we'd adapt in whatever way if we had extra legs, but--"

"Toto the Performing Monkey: Bit worrying, though, innit? If you had six legs, where would your arse be?"

"Muzulu the Performing Monkey: Yeah..."

"Sadie the Black Bird: Without landmarks, I'm lost. [laughs] Without landmarks, I really am useless. And you take a right, and it's down there!"

"Barnaby the Falcon: But it's getting smaller and smaller and smaller, the areas we can go to. And yeah, it would be great to just... be able to route down London's high street, y'know? [chuckles] "Woohoo! Check me out, everyone, I'm going past your window!" [makes whooshing sound] You know, that would be cool."

"Dennis the Dung Beetle: I've no idea what aliens would look like. They could look like anything. They might just be a ball of gas, or an idea, or a particular-coloured headlight."

"Dave the Worm: The whole "conspiracy" thing about aliens is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, why on Earth... why on Earth would they visit us to fly around some farmer's back garden in the back end of beyond in Suffolk, to just bugger off again? It just doesn't make sense whatsoever, and the whole thing about, um, UFOs in the sky is just beyond me."

"Mrs. Green: I came in beginning of May in, um, 1984. Cause it's a beautiful planet, you can see it from quite far, it looks very attractive."

"Dave the Worm: No, no, I think that's nonsense, to be honest. I think people have either had too much to drink, or they've just got very... imaginative imaginations."

"Gary the Slug: I reckon they've been on some sort of..."

"Nigel the Slug: [grinning] "Wacky baccy"?"

"Gary the Slug: "Wacky baccy" type stuff, I reckon, if they're saying they've been abducted by it."

"Nigel the Slug: [chuckling] Glow-in-the-dark light and that!"

"Mrs. Green: The first few months in this country, I had to learn that you do not kiss everybody to say hello. And I did with a postman. I opened the door, there was a postman, I gave him kiss [slurps] on his cheek, twice, or whatever. And that was-- he was absolutely shocked! [laughs]"