Bubba Ho-Tep

"My god, man. How long have I been here? Am I really awake now, or am I just dreaming I'm awake? How could my plans have gone so wrong? When the Hell are they gonna serve lunch? Considering what they serve, why the Hell do I care?"

"If Priscilla discovered I was alive, would she come and see me? Would we still wanna fuck? Or would we merely have to talk about it? Is there finally and really anything to life other than food, shit, and sex?"

"[looking up Callie's skirt] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional; she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'."

"My own daughter, lost long ago to me...If she knew I lived, would she come and see me? Would she even care?"

"Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know...Never, but never, fuck with the King."

"Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and I realized...I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions, never the answers. Always the hopes, never the fulfillments."

"Where'd my youth go? Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place? Do I want it back? Could I have it back? And if I could, would it make any damned difference?"

"What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti-writin', soul-suckin' son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!"

"In the movies, I always played the heroic types. But when the stage lights went out, it was time for drugs and stupidity and the coveting of women. Now it's time. Time to be a little of what I had always fantasized of bein' - a hero."

"[To the mummy, before burning it] Your soul suckin' days are over, amigo."

"[his last words] Thank you...Thank you very much."

"The King vs. The King of the Dead"

"Bruce Campbell — Elvis Presley"

"Ossie Davis — John F. Kennedy"

"Ella Joyce — The Nurse"

"Heidi Marnhout — Callie"

"Bob Ivy — Bubba Ho-tep"

"Larry Pennell — Kemosabe"

"Reggie Bannister — Rest Home Administrator"

"Daniel Roebuck — Hearse Driver"