"After a conflict, women are not only more likely to turn to other womenfriends for support, but are nine times more likely to be with their children should conflict become divorce."

"Men tend to put all their emotional eggs in the basket of their wives (or womenfriends), it is difficult for a man to communicate feelings of disappointment to his wife because, if she withdraws, it feels to him like his entire emotional support system has collapsed."

"Women are socialized to take advantage of four informal options for emotional support: husbands; womenfriends; children; and parents. Men are socialized to take advantage of only one of these informal options: their wife or womanfriend."

"We think of the division of labor as being outdated, but in fact it has reemerged. In the early ‘80s, a mother was 43 times more likely than the father to leave the workplace for family responsibilities; more recently, a mom is 135 times more likely to leave the workplace for family responsibilities."

"A mother’s traditional role prepared her to love her family by being with the family she loved."

"A father’s traditional role prepared him to love his family by being away from the love of his family."

"Because men complained less, we made the false assumption that the complaints women experienced were only women’s complaints and, therefore, only women’s problems. Which created the rationale for women’s problems to be solved – or at least addressed – by public policy."

"During the past thirty years, the women’s movement has supported women to express virtually every feeling women felt. To other women. To Men. To society. Women’s feelings became course curriculum, women’s studies, TV specials, talk shows, and Lifetime cable. Women’s feelings were called both education and entertainment. Men’s were repressed until they were called ulcers."

"In order to connect and nurture, it is not just helpful to be in touch with feelings, it is necessary. So men’s first job – their next evolutionary strategy – involves being in touch with their feelings."

"In the future, women will increasingly want nurturer-connectors, since part of what he will be nurturing is her ability to protect herself."

"In the future, women will increasingly want men who can nurture them and connect with them."

"In the past, socializing men to become the best killer-protectors led to the survival of the “fittest.” In the future, with nuclear technology, training killers is more likely to lead to the destruction of everyone."

"All of this is men’s genetic heritage. However, men’s genetic heritage is in conflict with their genetic future."

"Becoming a human doing was exactly what society needed. But for an individual man, becoming a human doing was his undoing."

"If we taught men to repress feelings and rewarded him instead for being a captain he might be willing to die to protect us; if we paid him enough to feed his family if he worked in a coal mine, he might be willing to die sooner to keep us warm. But all that required him to forfeit his feelings – his power as a human being – and substitute it for “power” as a human doing: feeling obligated to earn money someone else spent while he died sooner."

"No legend told its children of beautiful princesses falling in love with conscientious objectors."

"Both sexes had an unconscious investment in keeping men from expressing feelings of fear and vulnerability."

"Societies in which men were unwilling to dispose of themselves in war were societies that usually got disposed of. Societies that were protected were protected by killers, which is why I call the traditional role of men the role of killer-protector."

"Men’s pay paid women to love and nurture, to connect and feel. To be nurturer-connectors. In contrast, men received their pay by being some form of killer-protector. By becoming a human doing (a captain or a coal miner), not a human being (a person who feels happy or sad)."

"The nature of men’s responsibilities distanced men from feelings, whereas the nature of women’s responsibilities encouraged the expression of feelings."

"Sharing instructions about how to perform better for others is very different than sharing feelings about life experiences that make us happy or sad."

"Helping men express feelings starts with understanding why men don’t express them."

"Men are still playing protector of women’s transitions, and both sexes expect only men to make transitions on their own."

"The belief that men don’t need help is part of the problem."

"Listening is self-empowerment via the empowerment of others."

"Listening in response to criticism mandates a shift in our internal psyche that marks perhaps the most important single evolutionary shift humans can make."

"Killing the criticizer, then, is part of our evolutionary past; listening in response to criticism is part of our evolutionary future."

"All defensive responses to criticism are natural. (It is natural to think of our own perspective before someone else’s.)"

"The first instinctive response to any criticism is a defensive response. (The quicker the response, the more defensive.)"

"We are all gifted of the mouth, retarded of the ear."

"The hard part (of communication) is hearing criticism so it can be easily given."

"Teaching children to debate without teaching children to listen is divorce training."

"Schools currently excel in encouraging children to express opinions, but are deficient in encouraging children to say, for example, “Oh, that’s different from my perspective – tell me more.”"

"During what years should a child be introduced to better ways of giving and receiving criticisms – to what I call “relationship language”? Before school age. The best teacher? Parents."

"When we give trust, we receive trust. And people who trust us pay attention to us."

"It never occurs to most of us at a moment of disagreement with our partner to take the time to appreciate our partner’s positive character strengths as reflected in a stance we disagree with. When we do that, it allows our partner to know that no matter which decision she or he makes, our trust in their underlying character is never in question. It turns every disagreement into a potential gift of love."

"Empathy for women is an attribute of masculinity. When men play the protector role they are trying to save a woman from grief or pain. If they had no glimpse of her grief or pain, they wouldn’t know when to protect."

"Any guy who’s played team sports has practiced a skill I call “team sport empathy”: he’s practiced focusing on anticipating the other team’s moves. That means figuring out their way of looking at the situation."

"If our binoculars search for our partner’s best intent, it will usually be found."

"Tone of voice is more crucial than words."

"We are the offspring of approval-seekers. We want approval so badly that we vacillate between conforming to get it and standing out (being outstanding) to get it."

"When a woman appears to express fear, we cannot assure her without at least releasing her from responsibility; when we interpret the same emotion in a man as anger, we want to blame him and be certain he acknowledges responsibility. We want to find her guiltless; we want to find him guilty."

"What’s true is that everyone is uncomfortable with expressing anger and being critical. Anger and criticism generates rejection. And everyone hates rejection."

"Humans have spent (10k+) years learning to fight and debate with the other side, and almost no time learning to listen and empathize."

"If we have integrity about our desire to support men to express feelings, every institution and attitude between the sexes will require questioning and adjusting."

"Our choice of partners is perhaps the clearest single statement of our choice of values. Therefore, when we blame our partner for anything, we should really be confronting ourselves. Not as in “Yes, I made a bad choice,” but as in “How does this choice reflect my values?”"

"A man fears that conflict with his wife will lead to less intimacy, not more intimacy."

"When either sex suppresses the expression of feelings, it’s almost always b/c they don’t feel there is a safe environment to express them."

"A man becomes successful by repressing his feelings, not expressing his feelings."

"In more than thirty years of conducting workshops, no one has ever said to me, “Warren, I want a divorce – my partner understands me.”"