"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not E…"

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker...…"

"I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colore…"

"I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name."

"Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', en…"

"When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy."

"When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."

"Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and …"

"Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you ye…"

"I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis."