"It's every man for himself where I come from. That's just how I grew up."

"Do you know what continence is, Wally? No? Every time I take a piss, I pull back, I hold my urine in, and I count to …"

"It's an original ball for an original guy. It's the Marty Supreme Ball, not the Marty Normal Ball."

"I'm Hitler's worst nightmare."

"I have a purpose. If you think that it's some kind of blessing it's not. It means I have an obligation to see a very …"

"Everything in my life's falling apart but I'm going to figure it out."

"I was born in 1601. I'm a vampire. I've been around forever. I've met many Marty Mausers over the centuries. Some of …"

"When you see this woman act you'll feel like you got your cock sucked by a vacuum cleaner."

"Let me ask you something. Do you make money at this little table tennis thing?"

"I give you meaning, and he gives you money."