"I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] — I mean, I think this part is great — but that the traveling is y'k…"

"Don't you hate when people are late to work? And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic…"

"I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my…"

"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just k…"

"If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alte…"

"Yes, we're lazy. Yet we also can't seem to sit still. So we've started making things like GO-GURT. That's yogurt for …"

"Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if y…"

"I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought a…"

"With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we're all strange. Now there …"

"Death, disease, famine"