"I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] — I mean, I think this part is great — but that the traveling is y'k…"

"Don't you hate when people are late to work? And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic…"

"I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my…"

"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just k…"

"I mean, I feel like I'm in a unique position as host, because think about it: What would bug the Taliban more than se…"

"Yes, we're lazy. Yet we also can't seem to sit still. So we've started making things like GO-GURT. That's yogurt for …"

"Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if y…"

"I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought a…"

"With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we're all strange. Now there …"

"Death, disease, famine"