"Eggnog - who thought that one up? "I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes." You know what eggnog r…"

"Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!"

"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what s…"

"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through …"

"My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing."

"They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a p…"

"I used to do drugs, but that was way back there."

"Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My fri…"

"Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more …"

"So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe."