"Eggnog - who thought that one up? "I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes." You know what eggnog r…"

"Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!"

"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what s…"

"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through …"

"My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing."

"They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a p…"

"Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My fri…"

"Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more …"

"Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You sta…"

"So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe."