"Oodbray! [a phonering is heard; Van looks to find that the ring is coming from the most hellish looking phone; he picks it up to hear the angry yellings of the network director] Yes? Yes? But- [Network Director: Somebody won! You're fired!] But the ratings! But you can't! [the director hangs up] I can't believe it. This is the last show. I've been... CANCELLED!! [breaks down into tears; one of the seven characters walk up to Van and ask for the Prize] Prize?! PRIZE?! The show's been cancelled! There is no Prize! [the character insist on asking for the Prize] Yes.. Yes! That's it! Congratulations! You passed the... Infamous Phony Show Cancellation Round, and now have the opportunity to either walk away with the Prize, or by simply signing this newly invented contract, you can play another round for a shot at winning the new, improved Grand Prize!"

"[after completing Stage 3] I'm sorry if I'm getting a little weepy, folks. But when I see a contestant that I raise from a week-kneed cream puff blossom into a mean, unclean back-stabbing machine, I go a little girly. But never mind all that. Let's talk about something more fun: me! King Midas, you can pick up your pension check, because Van Tastic is the new kid with the golden touch. And this show 24 karat game show perfection! I don't like to toot my horn, but... [his hotline phone rings and he gasps in fright] Yes? [the network director yells angrily] Yes. Yes. But, sir, the ratings are skyrocketing. Yes. I know somebody's winning. The Prize? Oh, well, it's just a trifle. Well, we've just promised them a few things. Well, you know, like.... anything they desire. Sir. Sir, I think you're overreacting just a tad. Yes, I know they could ask for that: no prejudice, world peace, more commercials with babies. Yeah, I know, but look at these clowns! They're not gonna ask for that. Of course not! Besides, nobody ever wins. Sir, nobody ever wins! [hangs up] That was some monologue wasn't it, folks? Hey, those method acting classes are really paying off."

"[talking to his network director on the phone] Yes? Yes? Well, of course, it's a great show. And if it's anyone's fault, I think I'd better step up and take the blame. When you hired Van Tastic, you ordered a triple decker talent sandwich with a side order of spunk. What? The Prize? Relax! I've been doing this since Adam and Eve were wetting their fig leaves, and believe me, this is one game that nobody ever wins. Besides, I'll let you in on a little secret: there is no Prize. [laughs] Yeah. You know how much prizes cost? [laughs and then notices the camera] Is that thing on?"

"[after the player completes Stage 1] Was that something or was that something?! I haven't seen action like that since I taught Emperor Nero that trip with the lions! Now, let's see if the... [notices the viewer numbers are running slow; chuckles nervously] It seems a few of our viewers have taken a timeout to drain their lizard at the porcelain reptile house. No problem. This'll give old Van-man the opportunity to stress to our contestant that they're gonna have to take off the kid gloves and put brass knuckles on their brass knuckles if they even want a shot at getting... the Prize! I thought I'd up the bruise factor by raising the star count a bit and introducing a marvelous marvel of the technological age that in scientific circles known as... The Big Red Button!"

"Now that we've met our fascinating contestant, it's time to get... [Audience: WHACKED!] Weird. It's like you read my mind. [laughs] Let's take a look at Stage 1!"

"Hello, everybody, and welcome to the show! Here's how the game is played: the way you win is by competing against each other in a series of lighthearted, and potentially lethal games. [the audience cheers] Do I know how to get ratings or what? If you survive all our deadly levels of fun, you will be rewarded with, drumroll please... The Prize! What you may ask is this fabulous Prize? Well, I can't tell you that, but I can tell you it's FANTASTIC!! It's big, it's shiny, it's a pure silk, air-conditioned, chocolate-covered, solid-gold, tax-free, EXTRA CHEESE, DOUBLE-D, FINGER-LICKING LAP DANCE OF WOW!!!!"

"Hey there, guys and gals and all you sick weirdos in between! Are you ready to get...? [Audience: WHACKED!]"

"Wally Wingert - Lance"

"Scott Holst - Eugene"

"Tara Strong — Lucy and Charity"

"[after Van takes off his fake head and reveals himself to be a demon] Welcome, honored contestants to this: the last round of the game! Since I've graciously gone out of my way to eliminate all the other contestants, this special collectable, signed and numbered, limited edition... uh, set will be played against a true champion, an adonist, a Hercules, a paragon of physical perfection, and let's face it, America's sweetheart: ME!!! [laughs maniacally] Well, and a couple of my pals. [gestures to some more demons] Just a few old frat buddies. Anyway, if you actually beat me and my pals-- Yeah, I had a hard time saying that with a straight face. --If you beat us, you'll finally get your undeserving hands on the fabulous Grand Prize! [laughs maniacally as the contestant falls into a pit]"

"Johnnie Mac and Steve Staley - Otto"

"Dan Paladin - Toof"

"Bob Amaral - The Producer"

"Jamey Scott — Announcer"

"Matt Weinhold — Van Tastic"

"[if the player wins the game and the Prize(which depends on which character the player plays as); Van gets a call from his network director] Yes? Yes? Yes? Really?! Well, yes, I thought it was great, too! You're kidding! You mean... YES!!! This is Van Tastic, and we're back on the air!"

"[if the player loses against him] Don't go away empty-handed. Take a copy of our home game!"

"Things hadn't quite turned out as expected for either side, as it was revealed that the 'Thing' wasn't a weapon after all. It was a tomb! The Panther King had lain at rest for two hundred years, frozen in his icy prison. Before the SHC could react, the body was gone stolen! Intelligence told them where their ancient enemy had been taken. The Tediz homeworld, also known as Doon. It was a race against time: if the Tediz managed to revive their dormant leader then a new reign of terror would begin, but if the small SHC assault force could get there first...All they needed to do was break through the Tediz defense gates, here, here and here. They could be broken by either destroying the locking mechanism or hacking it. Once into the Tediz base, all hell would break loose. This time they had to be sure. The heart! They must destroy the heart!"

"Chris Seavor - Conker T. Squirrel, Birdy, Gargoyle, Gregg the Grim Reaper, Counta Conkula 'Batula' Squirrel, Panther King, Beetles, Wayne the Wasp, Wasps, Mr. King Bee, Franky the Pitchfork, Boss Weasel, Professor, Ugas, Bugga the Knut, Rock Creatures, Male Villagers, Monk, Squirrel Army, Weasels, Private Rodent, Ron the Paintpot, Reg the Paintbrush, Haybot, Boiler, Imps, Jack, Burt, Marvin the Mouse, Tediz, Mr. Barrel, Baby Fangy the Dinosaur, Dragon God, Money, Carl, Quentin, Buggerlugs The Bull, Mavis the Cow, Guards, Sarge, and Others"

"Louise Ridgeway - Berri, Mrs. Queen Bee, Sunflower, Jugga, and Squirrel Sneekers"

"Chris Marlow - The Great Mighty Poo"

"Chris Sutherland - Squirrel Demolishers"

"Eveline Novakovic"

"The Second Assault had begun. The plan was a simple one: The S.H.C. were to attack from the sea and secure the three obstacles: Here; here; and here. This would allow the heavy stuff to get through...ready for phase two. However, the Tediz battle master, the mysterious Professor von Kripplespac was waiting with his giant gun of doom... waiting to blow them back into history. The Tediz were ready to defend, but time wasn't on their side. The question still hinged: Could Von Kripplespac sink the S.H.C. ship, or could the Squirrel attack force break in and thwart him?"

"Duncan Botwood"

"Fred Tatasciore - Narrator"

"With the Second Assault finally over, the battle moved inland. Professor von Kripplespac's forces making an tactical retreat to a disused prison known as 'The Fortress'. The Tediz had secured one half of the structure, and the Squirrel High Command the other; A stalemate... Only one thing here could assure victory: Demoralize the enemy, by capturing their precious colors: Their flag. The flags were deep inside each half. In order to secure victory, each would need to be brought intact to the pickup point. There to be filmed and broadcast to all the enemy troops... It was a longshot, and unlikely to work... but in war, anything goes..."

"Despite fighting to the death and winning many battles, the Tediz were not winning the war. Forced finally to retreat to his clifftop castle stronghold, Von Kripplespac knew that only one thing could save them from defeat... The Machine. History has told us of its use, but then, no-one knew for sure. The SHC had sent in a crack assault squad. Their mission: to link up the power lines to their generator, restart the cable car, and get a trooper inside to overcharge and destroy the Machine. The Tediz... well, history also tells us they'd forgotten to pack the batteries. They both needed to link up the power lines, then seal the connection somehow. The race was on."

"Years later, the eternal war betwixt Tediz and Squirrel continued, but now on a new and more vicious front. The Machine Tediz had arrived, pouring through Von Kripplespac's new machine. The S.H.C. were driven back to the point of defeat, with only one last thread of victory: The legend of a base, buried under the ice, and said to contain a secret knowledge; it was rumored to be a map showing the location of an ancient weapon that once belonged to the long dead Panther King. Both Tediz and S.H.C. now wanted this map, but there was a problem - the map was not whole. The Tediz had found one half, and the S.H.C. the other. The mission was a simple one: Steal the enemies' map fragment and take it to the uplink device to decode the map from orbit, only then could the location of this weapon be revealed and victory assured."

"With the two halves of the map now reunited, the long lost resting place of the 'Thing' had finally been located: an abandoned mining outpost way up the Big Rim. However, the secret didn't stay safe very long, particularly when it appeared on the front cover of 'Fur Only'. It was now simply a case of who got there first. Unfortunately Professor von Kripplespac made an immediate wrong turn, ending up (due to the fact the map was printed upside-down) in precisely the right place. As the Tediz commander prepared to excavate the 'Thing', the Squirrel High Command had finally realized their mistake and headed full pelt towards the outpost... They must destroy the 'Thing' before it, whatever it was, destroyed them! Both sides realized the key to victory lay within the Three Towers. Reactivate them to re-route and deactivate the enemy shielding, then bring their firepower to bear and blow the other back to oblivion either SHC's Spawner or the Tediz' excavation."