First Quote Added
April 10, 2026
Latest Quote Added
"[to Kevin] Why don't you get on your stupid monster yacht with your bubble-butt Russian girlfriend and do Jell-O shots off of Deepak Chopra's butt?"
"Really? To you waving your hands over him? He's not a Ouija board, Kevin."
"Just please, approval! Approval! Please! Give me some of the Jack... yeah..."
"[imitates a hamster]"
"[losing it] The wheel! The little hamster wheel that we're all running up to get a little taste of your little water thingy!"
"I'm getting off the wheel."
"You're not going to erase my son's memory."
"Don't do that."
"Mmm. Well, I think Harvard's cheaper."
"Not in *any* sense of word."
"He's not a doctor."
"Circle of Trust."
"Really? He said that to you?"
"What are you talking about? You were his golden boy."
"Well, I got good news for you. You're not Jesus."
"[sarcastically] Our dear friend the Buddha? How's he doing? It's been so long. Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"Nobody's tempted, nobody..."
"Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood."
"To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that."
"Yeah, well I have eyes too. So I'll be watching you... watching me."
"Deepak Chopra — Himself"
"Nick Kroll — Young Doctor"
"John DiMaggio Jordan Peele Kelli Kirkland — EMTs"
"Olga Fonda — Svetlana"
"Harvey Keitel — Randy Weir"
"Yul Vasquez — Junior"
"Kevin Hart — Nurse Louis"
"Daisy Tahan — Sam Focker"
"Colin Baiocchi — Henry Focker"
"Laura Dern — Prudence"
"Teri Polo — Pam Byrnes-Focker"
"Jessica Alba — Andi Garcia"
"Blythe Danner — Dina Byrnes"
"Dustin Hoffman — Bernie Focker"
"Owen Wilson — Kevin Rawley"
"Barbra Streisand — Roz Focker"
"Robert De Niro — Jack Byrnes"
"Ben Stiller — Greg Focker"
"As an early Hannukah present, I'm going to send you and Pam a box of these musical condoms."
"Charles Matthew Blake - Charles Wellington III"
"I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's going to be to try to get her as a broke black man?"
"My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep.""
"[after learning that he wasn't supposed to die] You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!"
"Tiger Woods, Y'all, Tiger Woods, Y'all! Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods, Y'all!"
"Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!"
"From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If you head is bloody, we're your buddy."
"Didn't your momma ever tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?"
"We're going in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!"
"A story of premature reincarnation."
"Chris Rock - Lance Barton"