"And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions."

"There has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise. Otherwise, what is 4:30 A.M. for?"

"I AM last minute stuff."

"I don't know if you noticed, Albert, but that was a pune, or play on words."

"You might think I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment."

"Do YOU Believe?"

"Applesauce."

"Oh, yes, and um...Ho Ho Ho."

"Onwards, Binky, to the Hogfather's Castle of Bones."

"Could I give you a hand?."

"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree. There is the constant desire to find out where - where is the point where it all began. But much, much later than that the Discworld was formed. Drifting onwards through space...atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle, the great A'Tuin. It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are sooner or later about blood. At least that's one theory. The philosopher Didactylos suggested an alternative hypothesis: 'things just happen, what the hell'. And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld. A city where magic is just another job, and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards looms over all the dark narrow streets...Our story begins on a midwinter festival bearing a remarkable similarity to your Christmas. And so...it was the night before Hogswatch."

"Ridcully: In my day, when I was an undergraduate, I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatchnight. It's just not natural. I'd have been sick twice by now..."

"Banjo: (flinging Mr. Teatime toward a fatal fall) No pulling girls' hair. That's bad!"

"Mr. Brown: There you are, I've unlocked it. (Banjo pushes the door in) And Banjo's opened it."

"...and the Adventure continues..."

"[completely deadpan] By Grabthar's Hammer... what a savings."

"[before going through the chompers] We shouldn’t have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is this here? [after going through the chompers] Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

"Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"