"[cornered by Maximillian] Hey, yo, man I don't know how you know me, but, uh, everything is everything. I ain't seen nothin', okay? So you can go ahead and just jump right back through the window, man. I won't tell anybody I saw you, 'cause I ain't really seen you! You know I'm blind! I got, like cataracts, I mean, um, contacts. I got astigmatism, man. I can't see; I'm blind. Where you at? Where you at? See, look. Where you at? Huh? Where you at?"

"Ohh, betting on the the Knicks... when will you learn?"

"[after being staked in gut] Let me give you an anatomy lesson. This [points] is my stomach. This [points] is my heart. Stomach. Heart. Stomach. Heart."

"[As Preacher Pauley] Evil is good, and ass is good, and if you find you a piece of evil ass, WOO!"

"Interesting. I've been stabbed, and I've been hanged, and I've been burned. Even broken on the rack once, but I've never been shot before. It kind of itches a little. You have quite decent aim, though. But next time... [rips out Tony's beating heart as Anthony and Julius watche in sheer horror; growls] put a little HEART INTO IT!"

"[Opening Voiceover] A long, long time ago, Nosferatu, the undead, the race of the Vampire were driven from Egypt. Most fled to the Carpathian Mountains of Transylvania, but others of better taste, including myself, travelled south through Africa and over the Atlantic, to a beautiful island hidden deep in the Bermuda Triangle. There we lived for happy centuries, feasting on the blood of unwary travellers. Until discovered by the hunters once again. Then the blood that spilled was our own. I, alone, escaped. But a Vampire-alone is a Vampire doomed. My chance was to find the one known offspring of our tribe that had been born in a foreign land. A woman, somewhere in this place, called Brooklyn..."

"Ray Combs - Game Show Host"

"Simbi Khali - Nikki"

"You know, even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen."

"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself; but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

"[voiceover] My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear, I was brought up underneath the roller coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think. You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little, and uh I I I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. Th-there he is, and there I am. Right. I I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh but, "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." And uh, of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know, his fat little face and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the time and uh Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always."

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"Mark Lenard - Navy Officer"

"Sigourney Weaver - Alvy's Date Outside Theatre"

"Beverly D'Angelo - Actress in Rob's TV Show"

"Jeff Goldblum - Lacey Party Guest"

"Dick Cavett - Himself"

"Joan Neuman - Mrs. Singer"

"Christopher Walken - Duane Hall"

"Colleen Dewhurst - Mrs. Hall"

"Janet Margolin - Robin"

"Shelley Duvall - Pam"

"Paul Simon - Tony Lacey"

"Tony Roberts - Rob"

"Carol Kane - Allison"

"Diane Keaton - Annie Hall"

"Woody Allen - Alvy Singer"

"[repeated line] La-dee-da, la-dee-da."

"There's an old joke: two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The the other joke important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious. And it goes like this, I'm paraphrasing: Um, I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. You know, lately, the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I dunno, and I'm not worried about aging, I'm not one of those characters, you know I, well I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I um I think I'm gonna get better as I get older. You know, I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say, the um distinguished gray, for instance, you know, unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism. Annie and I broke up, and I still can't get my mind around that, you know, I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and and examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screw up come, you know, and mm a year ago, we were in love, you know, and and and I just, and it's funny, I'm not a I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character, you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess, I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II."

"After that it got pretty late, and, we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her, and I thought of that old joke. You know, this guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships– you know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs."

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."