"We complete the adventure, but another member of our crew has been lost. This one was my son. Also our equity partner. We start the voyage home in our wounded vessel."

"This is an adventure."

"[while playing poker with pirates] Steven. Are you rescuing me? [Steve shrugs awkwardly] Fold. [Alistair is shot by one of the pirates]"

"They made soup out of my research turtles."

"We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm part gay."

"Is that one of mine? I think one of my research turtles survived."

"Where are you coming from, jack off? Shit."

"Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me."

"What do you think I was doing the whole time you were out there man? I told you Dignan got fired, out on his ass. But you didn't think about that, did you. In the end it's easier to think about yourself than it is to think about Dignan."

"James Caan - Abe Henry"

"Lumi Cavazos - Inez"

"Robert Musgrave - Bob Mapplethorpe"

"Luke Wilson - Anthony Adams"

"Owen Wilson - Dignan"

"They're not really criminals, but everybody's got to have a dream."

"He looks like a little banana. Where are you from pal?"

"One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer that question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life."

"Bob gets the Spirit Award."

"Shh, wait for my instructions. When we go through the next gate, you'll have thirty seconds to take out the tower guard. Thirty seconds. Have the car running at the northwest checkpoint. Bob and I are gonna scale the barricade, and then we're gonna tunnel through to no-mans-land. And Bob, remember, shield me from the bullets, they won't shoot civilians! Are you ready? Let's go! Let's go! Now! Now! Now! (smiling) Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"Son of a bitch! Anthony! Anthony! Bob's gone. He stole his car! He flew the coop while we were sleepin'!"

"Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"

"How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"

"Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent."

"Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!"

"You, my dear friend, are a fucking fool."

"On the run from Johnny Law... ain't no trip to Cleveland."

"Pointless act! You don't give a 500 dollar tip to the housekeeper! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That, I don't forgive! What were you thinking? What were you thinking?"

"We'll get him. We'll get him. Man, don't worry about that, we'll get him. And when we do, we'll blow up his car, do something. I can guarantee you that. What makes me furious is thinking about the look on Bob's fat face, thinking he pulled one over on us. I tell you another thing. If our paths cross again, you're gonna see a side of Dignan that you haven't seen before. A sick, sadistic side, cause I'm furious at Bob."

"Okay. There, you see the star is me, right there, and I'll be in there. The X is Anthony. Bob, you're the zero out here in the car."

"What a lemon! One minute it's running like a top, and the next it's broken down on the side of the road. And I can't fix a car like this, because I don't have the tools! And even if I did have the tools I don't know if I could fix a car like this!"

"You know there's nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!"