"(After lying about being in hospital to avoid paying her phone bill) Well, what was I supposed to do? Have them unhook the life support machine, so I could pay my bills?"

"You know what I'll bet? I'll bet you haven't been laid in about a year!"

"John Schuck - Agent Atkins"

"George Carlin - Frank Madras"

"Robert Prosky - Stanislav Korzenowski"

"Peter Coyote - Michael Sanders"

"Bette Midler - Sandy Brazinsky"

"Shelley Long - Lauren Aames"

"The CIA is trailing them. The KGB is tracking them. The phone company is tracing them. The police are chasing them. The cowboys are herding them. And the Indians are hunting them. Are they gonna fall for all of that?"

"Lauren: I know! We'll call the President. Sandy: Oh, I'm sure that's a call he's gonna take. Hi, we're two struggling actresses, we're saving the world! Get real!"

"Lauren (Impersonating a non-English speaking woman): Excuz please. I vas hoping you ver to help me. How do I to say? Airline Check-in Agent: You say it quickly, I'm off in three minutes!"

"Sandy: You'd better tell her the name, she's kinda cranky. Lauren: Yeah....I got my period!"

"Lauren: Oh my god, he's just a child. Sandy: At least rape's out!"

"Lauren: You are really determined to get us killed. Sandy: Oh, get over yourself, he's not gonna kill us. Lauren: Oh, how can you be so sure? Sandy: Cause we're gonna be raped and murdered in this building!"

"Lauren: Where are we? We've been driving for hours, and I haven't seen a single white person on the street". Sandy: There's one.....oops, they got him! Lauren: That's not funny."

"Sandy: Oh my, that kind of evening? Lauren: Well, not the kind you're used to. No money changed hands!"

"Chris McDonald - George"

"(Noticing that Sandy is about to make another phone call): NO! Stop! Do not screech at another person!"

"(After tying up famed theater teacher/Russian spy Stanislaw Korzenowski): How dare you defraud the legitimate theatre community of New York City!"

"(Lauren makes a leap with a grand jété from the last one of the Four Fingers clifftops with Michael following, only to slip and plunge onto the rocks far below): Nine years of ballet, asshole!"

"(While trying to ignore a bunch of wolf-whistling Mexican men): Now why do they do that? Has there ever been one woman in the history of the world, who actually said yes fellas, please, take me, now!"

"(Screaming at a payphone that swallowed her change)"GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKIN' QUARTER!""

"She's gotta get on this plane! There's a kidney in Kansas City that's not getting any fresher!"

"This guy in the morgue.....whoever he is.....he's got a.....does the phrase needle dick, the bug fucker mean anything to you?"

"Michael was not a guy, other guys would've made fun of in a locker room, OK!"

"John Marley - Phil Cavalieri"

"Ali McGraw - Jennifer Cavalieri"

"[first lines] What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?"

"Tommy Lee Jones - Hank Simpson"

"Sydney Walker - Dr. Shapely"

"Russell Nype - Dean Thompson"

"Ray Milland - Oliver Barrett III"

"Ryan O'Neal - Oliver Barrett IV"