"I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not."

"He fancies you. He told me."

"You're right. You can't help me. How could you? You're a stupid person who watches TV all day and buys things. You don't give a shit about anybody, and nobody gives a shit about you!"

"[Thinking] I used to think two wasn't enough. Now there were loads of people... I don't know what Will was so upset about. All I meant was I don't think couples are the future. You need more than that. You need backup. The way I saw it, Will and I both had backup now. It's like that thing he told me Jon Bon Jovi said: "No man is an island.""

"In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age."

"[voiceover] She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite or cable. So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia. I was going to have to end it. But having been Will the Good Guy I didn't relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Arsehole."

"[Regarding the first SPAT meeting] I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my own penis off with a kitchen knife."

"It was horrible. Horrible. But driving fast behind the ambulance was fantastic."

"This is my life, Dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better."

"Denis O'Hare - Albert"

"Ron Liebman - Dr. Cohen"

"Jim Parsons - Tim"

"Michael Weston - Kenny"

"Jean Smart - Carol"

"Ian Holm - Gideon Largeman"

"Peter Sarsgaard - Mark"

"Natalie Portman - Sam"

"Zach Braff - Andrew Largeman"

"Kenny: Your mom just died! ..... I mean, that's why you're home."

"Dr. Cohen: You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half...for example."

"Mark's Mom: Oh, guys, don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping all night."

"Hey, if you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me."

"Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago."

"I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

"Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole."

"The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money."

"You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason, and she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls floating around. And there was, like, snot running down my nose, right? And she gave me her sleeve - and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself: Wow. This is love...this is love."

"Sidecars are for bitches."

"My hair's blowin' in the wind."

"I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done."

"OK, so, sometimes I lie. I mean I'm weird, man, about random stuff too. I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tic. I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, "Wow, that wasn't even remotely true"."

"My mom always says that, when she can see I'm, like, working something out in my head. She's like, "You're in it right now" and I'm looking at you telling this story, and you're definitely in it."

"Wow! I cannot believe you're not really retarded!"

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."

"What's the word that's burning in your heart?"

"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before, and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

"You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life, I swear."

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of a sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

"We're not playing "Spin the Bottle." How old are we? More importantly, how old are they?"

"You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the beginning of something really big, but right now, I gotta go."

"My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud. But, my mom just died."

"It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic."

"[To Sam] I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."