"Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry."

"Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo."

"[singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants..."

"In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me."

"[server says, "muchas gracias" and Fletch responds] Tierra Del Fuego."

"Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet."

"[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass."

"I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes."

"[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

"For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner."

"...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood..."

"You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards."

"If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an amiable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much."

"Dr. John Dolittle - Eddie Murphy"

"I did Dolittle for a particular reason. I wanted to do an extremely commercial movie. I love animals and I love Eddie Murphy, so I thought, "Here is a really commercial movie. I would never have thought I would have done something like this. The script wasn't particularly good when I started. It got a lot better, and it allowed me to form this company and hire Jenno Topping as my producer."

"LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!!! [screams three times]"

"[after hearing Rodney speak] See, those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't affect me. [starts to cry] Now, 15 years later, this shit starts happenin' to me!"

"Geena Davis - Larry"

"Kenneth Mars - Stanton Boyd"

"George Wendt - Fat Sam"

"M. Emmet Walsh - Dr. Joseph Dolan"

"Tim Matheson - Alan Stanwyk"

"Richard Libertini - Frank Walker"

"Dana Wheeler-Nicholson - Gail Stanwyk"

"Joe Don Baker - Police Chief Jerry Karlin"

"Chevy Chase - Irwin M. 'Fletch' Fletcher"

"Fletch. Until last week, he was just another mild-mannered reporter fighting for truth, justice and a window office. Now he's being threatened, shot at, accused and arrested. And that's by the people he's trying to help. But there's still one thing even more dangerous than his work. His love life."

"Meet the only guy who changes his identity more often than his underwear."

"[narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance."