"People think there's some real subversive thing playing against whoever it is; a lot of it is just people who want to go along and get along. And they also want to make money. And the bottom line is, they're going to put out as much stuff as they can — stupid, banal stuff that makes money."

"When you talk about yourself for 35 years, first of all, it gets repetitious. And then it seems a little bit excessive, at the least."

"I feel some part of me can wake up and be very existential and the next day wake up and be sort of in love with the universe."

"I don't think you could say now that ABC is crasser than the other two networks. But as long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. It becomes an ever-descending spiral."

"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."

"Why don't you fold it five ways and put it where the moon don't shine."

"It's a wonderful job for people who have never had a nervous breakdown but always wanted one."

"(Q: Is conversation an art form?) Oh yes. Certainly. And I have delighted in overhearing conversations that were artistic. I like to listen to people talk. I enjoyed the Dick Cavett show, because Cavett is so articulate and apparently at ease, and his guests on that show were by and large people who were very interesting to listen to, and Cavett had the knack of bringing them out. So when I watched that show, I had the sense that it was an art form. Cavett was making it artistic. (Was he creating himself as well as creating language?) Absolutely. (And there were different Cavetts? There were different selves in different circumstances?) I think he was a different man depending upon who he talked to. He was a different man every time."

"The playwright George S. Kaufman remembered what he called the “greatest ‘line reversal’ of my lifetime.” He liked to drop in on Broadway shows he had directed to, as he put it, “just check on them and take out the ‘improvements.’ ” He was eternally grateful to have caught one performance when he heard an actor commit the gem. It ran: “Her breath would take your beauty away.” He kept the line framed on his desk ever afterward."

"You can piss away valuable hours of your life reading Ayn Rand—her wretched appeal to the young, her wretched writing, her wretched person. She was supposed to be on my show; I was kind of sorry she wasn’t, because I was kind of laying for her. I did not succumb, as a kid, to being enthused by Ayn Rand, and that sense of power, as every kid was at one time until they outgrew it. The old bag sent over a list of fifteen conditions for appearing with me, or for appearing with anyone, I guess. One of them was, “There will be no disagreeing with Ms. Rand’s philosophy.” […] I wrote at the bottom of the list, to be sent back to her, “There will be no Ms. Rand, either.”"

"You can, after all, reduce the reasons for watching TV to but two: to be lulled, and to be stimulated. Some people do one sometimes, the other sometimes. Some people do all of one or all of the other."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate."

"Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke."

"Did you know it was a year ago today?"

"Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?"

"Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)"

"It'll be over soon, miss."

"Am I bothering you, miss?"

"Thank you."

"Take my life, please."

"Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?"

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job."

"People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road."

"I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop."

"I model irregular clothing."

"I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough."

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"I saw a stationery store move."

"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."

"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world."

"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast."

"I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else."

"I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."

"I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights."

"I'm addicted to prescription glasses."

"I go around slashing tire prices."