Comedians From The United States

"That has never been heard of in the history of television. It takes a week to do a sitcom in Hollywood. I do a show a day in my studio, three or four shows a week. So what takes most shows eight years to do, we do in a year"

"What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is with me. I know that. I know that He's always been with me. It is evident in everything I have endured—and the fact that I made it through with some sanity."

"I have to thank Eddie Murphy, 'cause after I saw him do the Klumps [in Nutty Professor II], I said, "I'm going to try my hand at a female character." It was the brilliance of Eddie Murphy. I need to write him a check. Say thank you"

"I didn’t want to be the kind of man that my father was. So I’ve tried, my entire life, to be the complete and utter opposite of that. And it has served not only the art well, but I think the audience well."

"Children love their mothers. Especially with a boy child and his mother, there's a bond that's unbreakable. I love my mother to this day. One of the most painful things I ever had to do was bury her, realizing that even though I was her hero, I couldn't help her with this last thing. I couldn't help her get better. All I wanted was to give her everything she wanted. Everything my father didn't give her, everything she never had."

"Whatever it is, it’s OK because it’s what it is. Don’t be looking for perfection. Don’t be short-tempered with yourself. And you’ll be a whole lot nicer to be around with everyone else."

"It may take a while, but there will probably come a time when we look back and say, "Good Lord, do you believe that in the twentieth century and early part of the twenty-first, people were still eating animals?""

"My grandfather once said, having watched me one entire afternoon, prancing and leaping and cavorting, "this child will either end up on stage or in jail." Fortunately, I took the easy route."

"I knew at a very early age what I wanted to do. Some people refer to it as indulging in my instincts and artistic bent. I call it just showing off, which was what I did from about three years of age on."

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."

"I'm not an actress who can create a character. I play me."

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

"My proximity to the sheep, cattle, and geese who are now my neighbors in the country is what has finally turned me into a vegetarian. I talk to these animals when I walk. Sometimes I am lucky enough to make physical contact with them, and as I look into their eyes I see not only the innocence, but also the clear fact that those eyes are no less complicated in their structure than my own. Don't we now have enough tasty things to eat from the garden and all the delicious ways to prepare them?"

"Too many of you, my friends, are dying. Now it's time for me to do my part and help you."

"People assume that I'm wiser than I am because I'm somewhat successful. Age does not bring you wisdom, age brings you wrinkles. If you're dumb when you're young, you're going to be dumb when you're old."

"Being tiny has been difficult for me in a business that regarded physicality as the most important part of your life."

"I think they look upon me as an old child, because I'm so little."

"The only time you'll see me as a Democrat is when I play Sophia. In the real world I'm a Republican from head to toe."

"Age does not bring you wisdom, age brings you wrinkles."

"Women want us to like them, but they don't even like each other."

"I can say anything I goddamn want racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. (as white person) "I am evil, yes." I like to talk to white people about being honest about Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. I'm mad at him (Obama) because I thought I would have a white slave by now! I thought it was vengeance day! I thought I had me a white family! A big old, fat white girl. Go warm my bed up-- get upstairs, Susan! Warm my bed up feed my baby with your giant white titties! I'm gonna go outside and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I'm gonna sell him or not!"

"Sex is so much fun for dudes. Cause we got a money shot. You don't understand what it's like to see-- we both have orgasms, but we men have a receipt. You be like, I am satisfied, because that's what it is-- look at it! You don't think you'd be happier, ladies, if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy's face? Right on top of his forehead. You wouldn't be happier? And he's just sitting there? And you go, "Aw, that felt good. Go in the bathroom and wash your face." Call your friends on the phone, "I just egged on top of his head." (as man) "Don't tell your friends our business!" (as woman) "Shut up, she already knows I egg on top of your head.""

"That dude was so funny even his standup work just captures like a sliver of how fucking funny that guy was [...] [O'Neal] walking into a deli to buy a newspaper was funnier than most comedians I ever met."

"You gotta stop lying. You know… I mean it’s difficult to tell the truth, but you gotta start telling the truth cause it kills you, it takes something out of you when you’re…. a phony. You know, I’d rather die than to be phony really, cause… it kills me. And I’m…there’s nothing worse... like I’m depressed, but I’m not suicidal. Do you know how like… horrible it is just being to… to want to kill yourself but you just can’t, you won’t kill yourself? Do you understand what that is? So I had to figure out a way how to make myself happy….and that’s not to lie."

"I just think the closer we (as a species) think we get to God, the closer we get to death."

"Men want to be alone, but we don't wanna be by ourselves."

"This is my question, for life: have we retired the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? Is it legal for me to say, "I endorse hate speech, I don't give a fuck"? I want hate speech. Why can't I hate you...in speech?"

"If you tell me 2 + 2 is 4, and I know it is, then you... shove marbles up your ass, I go "Damn, Anthony shoves marbles in his ass?" But [the fact that you shove marbles in your ass] doesn't invalidate 2 + 2 = 4."

"(on the entertainment business) This business is the beast and it eats everybody and shits them out. But here's what's funny about the beast: it's a neverending line of people who want to get in the mouth and get chewed up and shit out. It's because, when you get in the belly, you get $2 million a week. And when you get shit out, you're a pile back there. And you have the option to wait to get back in line, and wait to go get back in the beast, and get eaten and shit out! And we line up! ... And I didn't even get to the beast yet. 20 years! See, when the beast pick you up, to put you in its mouth, you shinin'. People see you. Sometimes, see what "15 minutes of fame" is? The beast throws somebody down, they-- that was reality (show) people. This one was an athlete that had one good year. And you throw him down. Now, you see, "Ooh, that looks like a delicious young thing there." Eat, chew... That's why I love Charlie Sheen so much-- he was in the belly. When you making $2 million a week doing anything, you're in the absolute belly, and for that fucker to betray his position in the belly, to actually give the beast indigestion, was spectacular. He was a martyr. And Mel Gibson, too! He could have been the beast, he was so big. And they turned on him, you know what I'm saying? So, anybody that gets that deep and turns on the beast, man, you've got to root for him, no matter what, because they're martyrs, because no one's going to stand up for them. And then, Hollywood, they tell you who to hate. Like when they rose up against him, to not be on The Hangover 2. The movie was about trannies, fucking people in the ass, drugs, death, and Mike Tyson, who got a rape conviction. And you motherfuckers decide to gang up on Mel Gibson? He can't play a tattoo artist in The Hangover 2?! Come on, man. It's not hypocrisy, because that's a human thing. It's something else... it's somebody owe somebody the favor."

"People always say "Don't you support the troops?" But the troops are an entity that just follows orders. It's not about individuals or people. So when I say "I don't support the troops", I'm saying I don't support the bankers and politicians who are making them do what they do."

"Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon . . . dipped in honey."

"A beautiful 35-year old ain't as good-looking as an ugly 19-year old."

"(after host Anthony Cumia complained that a black, female bartender once refused to give him an extra drink, even after he had tipped her $20) Let me tell you, black people are very sensitive about context. (You meant), "Sweetie, no disrespect, here's a twenty," but (she took it as), "Here, fat nigga-lean, take this twenty and you will be giving me my beers, all day, at my request, you fat fuck." She smelled it on you, so she said, "Take your twenty and shove it up your ass, cracker devil.""

"(on the killing of Osama Bin Laden) I watched the Bin Laden thing, and you know, there's what's called the "conspiracy nuts" and whatever, and the thing that gets me is that when there is one little question, that makes you go, "What?" That we don't galvanize and say, "No, no, no, you're not allowed to say anything else until we cover this. Give me a straight answer, because flushing Bin Laden down the ocean, like he's cocaine, from The Goodfellas, it doesn't prove anything." You know, somebody like (Sean) Hannity would make me sound like a complete idiot if I went on his show and went, "He flushed him down the fucking ocean!" But, it's just, you go, "There's nothing that makes you go, what?""

"Have your opinion, don't let your opinion have you."

"I generally don't like living in a world where being what a man is, is a horrible thing; and no matter what a woman is, is a wonderful thing."

"I said to my girl, "The reason you have a key (to my house) is to keep me from having other women in my house. I give you an open invitation." See, she wants me to go, "Because I love you and I trust you, and I want you to trust me." It's because the fear of my girl walking in will keep me from having a young broad sitting on top of my counter. But she wants that to be because I love her so much, but it's just to protect me from my own manness."

"I've conducted my campaign thus far in the true American political tradition: I lied about my intention to run [...] I have been consistently vague on all the issues [...] Therefore I promise you all, my fellow Americans, that I will continue to make promises that I will be unable to fulfill."

"I do not claim that I can solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat."

"Here and now, I am hereby publicly challenging all of the other leading candidates to debate on the issues of the campaign. I challenge Ronald Reagan to meet me on his home grounds, the back lot of Warner Brothers. And I challenge Herbert Humphrey [sic] to debate on his home grounds. I do have some reservations about meeting George Wallace on his home grounds, but I'm willing to meet him on a neutral site in Harlem."

"After all, the leaders of our country were not elected to be tittered at. Censors have to draw the line somewhere. For instance, we are allowed to say Ronald Reagan is a lousy actor, but we're not allowed to say he's a lousy governor – which is ridiculous. We know he's a good actor. And you can't say anything bad about President Johnston [sic], because you shouldn't insult the President. But if you compliment him, who will believe it?"

"Many political experts have told me that nobody will vote for me because America is not ready for such decisive and dynamic leadership. They tell me these things, and I say nay to the negative nincompoops who never nourished the nihilistic nerve to name a novice to nail down the nomination."

"… let's all remember that we have a government "of the people, for the people, and by the people", and there are very few people in our government that you can't buy."

"Left-wing or right-wing. No, I'm not either. I'm kind of middle-of-the-bird."

"As a keen political observer, I've noticed that most people do not really vote for someone for the Presidency as much as they vote against the other candidate. And I think President Johnston's [sic] decision was unfair to these people."

"I've repeatedly warned we must avoid the extremists: those who say we should pull out our troops in Vietnam immediately, those who say we should escalate and go right into North Vietnam... I tell you, we should continue doing what we have been: just messing around."

"I ask you, will I solve our civil rights problems? Will I unite this country and bring it forward? Will I obliterate the national debt? [long pause] Sure, why not? Thank you."

"A good many people today feel our present draft laws are unjust. These people are called soldiers. In one of the arguments against the draft, we hear it is unfair, immoral, discourages young men from studying, ruins their careers and their lives. Picky, picky, picky! We propose a draft lottery, in which the names of all eligible males will be put into a hat, and the men will be drafted according to their hat sizes. The tiny heads will go into the military service, and the fat heads will go into government."

"We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go."

"The radio and press have once again chewed off more than they can bite. They continue to confuse personality with politics. They seem to assume that I'm lying when I state that I am not a candidate for the Presidency. True, all the present candidates once denied they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate."