"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.."

"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets..."

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!"

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day."

"I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse.""

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?""

"The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.""

"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."