Karl Pilkington

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]"

"That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]"

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."

"The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?"

"You won't get anything done by planning."

"Any problem solved is a new problem made."

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"

"On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."

"(On fun-sized chocolates) I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off"

"On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a diss."

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"

"You know that guy Richard Blackwood? He went in for a colonic, live TV. Never seen again."

"No ones been up that high!"

"Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit..."

"So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?"

"Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out."

"No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that."

"And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, ‘Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…’"

"Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back."

"(on cockroaches living without a head for a week) Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?"

"If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?"

"So I was watchin David Attenborough.. he makes his money out of flies and that dun' he"

"At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?"

"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."

"[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water."

"On seals - Its between a fish and a dog."

"At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head."

"On chameleons - Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."

"On octopuses - When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."

"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'. - Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus."

"In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock."

"Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on."

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?"

"They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up."

"It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating"

"A dog has got human eyes."

"I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut"

"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on"

"I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about"

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"

"It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]"

"Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’"

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."

"Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?"

"Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."

"Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... Chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."

"Yeh I know but, I remember one on our estate, right. And she was a bit... what's the word that you can use cos I don't want to offend anyone? I'd say mental... but sort of mental homeless, is that a term?"

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]"