Jack Benny

"Mugger: Your money or your life."

"Mugger: Look bud. I said, your money or your life."

"Jack: I'm thinking it over!"

"Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles."

"Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?"

"Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself."

"Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them."

"Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it."

"Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]"

"Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope."

"Liberace: What do we have for dinner?"

"Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks."

"Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?"

"Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?"

"Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me."

"Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?"

"Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine."

"Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?"

"Jack: Gee, I never thought of that."

"Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win."

"Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours."

"Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks."

"Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight."

"Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks."

"Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?"

"Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?"

"Jack Benny: That star has five points."

"Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year."

"Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life."

"Thug: [repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'"

"Jack Benny: I'm thinking I'm thinking!"

"Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs."

"Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?"

"Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?"

"Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned."

"Jack: I know, but peanut butter?"

"Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy."

"Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts."

"Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?"

"Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood."

"Rochester: Oh oh."

"Jack: What's the matter?"

"Rochester: I think I cut you."

"Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?"

"Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little."

"Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor at a P.T.A. meeting."

"Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains."

"Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets."

"Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny."

"Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?"