Bob Newhart

"[Imagining a telephone conversation between an advertising executive and Abraham Lincoln just before his Gettysburg Address] Hi Abe, sweetheart. How are you, kid? How's Gettysburg? ... Sort of a drag, heh? Well, Abe you know them small Pennsylvania towns, you seen one you seen 'em all. ... Listen Abe, I go the note. What's the problem? ... You're thinking of shaving it off? Abe, don't you see that's part of the image with the shawl and the stovepipe hat and the string tie? ... You don't have the shawl. Where's the shawl? ... You left it in Washington. What are you wearing, Abe? ... A sort of cardigan? Abe, don't you see that doesn't fit with the string tie and the beard> Abe, would you leave the beard on and get the shawl."

"Abe, you got the speech. ... Abe, you haven't changed the speech have you? ... Oh, Abe. What did you ya change the speech for? ... A couple of minor changes? ... I'll bet. All right, what are they? ... You what? You typed it! Abe, how many times have we told you — on the backs of envelopes. ... I understand it’s harder to read that way, but it looks like you wrote it on the train coming down."

"Humor is a very, very important part of our life. It's not just laughing at a joke, it's an attitude toward life. And as the world gets crazier, it's more important to laugh at it. It's a survival technique."