The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

"Ted Gehring - Sheriff Chapman"

"Mary Louise Wilson - Miss Modene Ennis"

"Howard K. Smith - himself"

"Donald F. Colson - Jeff Gerald"

"Helen Kleeb - Dora"

"Mickey Jones - Henry"

"Bobby Fite - Dulcie Mae's son"

"Paula Shaw - Wulla Jean"

"Kenneth White - Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace"

"Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all."

"The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!"

"[singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on!"

"It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw!"

"[On the Chicken Ranch] If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!"

"So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!"

"Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl."

"Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up."

"C.J. [On the Chicken Ranch Scandal] All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!"

"Burt Reynolds - Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd"

"Dolly Parton - Mona Strangely"

"Dom DeLuise - Melvin P. Thorpe"

"Charles Durning - The Governor"

"Theresa Merritt - Jewel"

"Jim Nabors - Deputy Fred Wilkins"

"Lois Nettleton - Dulcie Mae"

"Noah Beery Jr. - Edsel Mackey"

"Robert Mandan - Senator Charles Wingwood"

"Raleigh Bond - Mayor Rufus P. Poindexter"

"Barry Corbin - C.J. Vernon"

"Ken Magee - Mansel"

"Mary Jo Catlett - Rita Crowell"

"Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm."

"[On wearing a Speedo] Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!"

"It's slicker than cat shit on linoleum floor!"

"Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes!"

"You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie!"

"Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast."

"I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!"

"They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?"