All Quotes

"Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground."

"I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around."

"There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister."

"Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idea ov a man's karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz."

"I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister."

"Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon."

"Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for."

"Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew have enny pitty to spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year."

"If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless"."

"I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men."

"Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long."

"The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else."

"When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill.""

"Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish."

"What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests."

"I love good creditable acquaintance; I love to be the worst of the company."

"Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss."

"I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak."

"I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness."

"I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me."

"Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10."

"I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me."

"Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks."

"I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know."

"Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable."

"Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have."

"I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor."

"I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil."

"When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack."

"Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness."

"7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days."

"We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying."

"A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals."

"The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it."

"Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands."

"I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous."

"As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them."

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. (p. 235)"

"When I behold this I sighed, and said within myself, "Surely mortal man is a broomstick!" Nature sent him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of this reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopped off his green boughs, and left him a withered trunk; he then flies to art, and puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs, all covered with powder, that never grew on his head; but now should this our broomstick pretend to enter the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered with dust, through the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our own excellencies, and other men's defaults!"

"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own."

"Instead of dirt and poison we have rather chosen to fill our hives with honey and wax; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light."

"There are few, very few, that will own themselves in a mistake, though all the World sees them to be in downright nonsense."

"Raillery was to say something that at first appeared a reproach or reflection; but, by some turn of wit unexpected and surprising, ended always in a compliment, and to the advantage of the person it was addressed to. And surely one of the best rules in conversation is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably wish we had rather left unsaid; nor can there anything be well more contrary to the ends for which people meet together, than to part unsatisfied with each other or themselves."

"'Tis very warm weather when one's in bed."

"Falsehood flies, and truth comes limping after it, so that when men come to be undeceived, it is too late; the jest is over, and the tale hath had its effect: like a man, who hath thought of a good repartee when the discourse is changed, or the company parted; or like a physician, who hath found out an infallible medicine, after the patient is dead."

"…one enemy can do more hurt, than ten friends can do good."

"It is the folly of too many to mistake the echo of a London coffeehouse, for the voice of the kingdom. The city coffeehouses have been for some years filled with people, whose fortunes depend upon the Bank, East-India, or some other stock. Every new fund to these, is like a new mortgage to a usurer, whose compassion for a young heir, is exactly the same with that of a stockjobber to the landed gentry. At the court end of the town, the like places of resort are frequented either by men out of place, and consequently enemies to the present ministry, or by officers of the army: no wonder then if the general cry, in all such meetings, be against any peace, either with Spain or without; which, in other words, is no more than this; that discontented men desire another change of ministry; that soldiers would be glad to keep their commissions; and that the creditors have money still, and would have the debtors borrow on at the old extorting rate, while they have any security to give."

"But nothing is so hard for those who abound in riches, as to conceive how others can be in want."

"'Tis an old maxim in the schools, That flattery's the food of fools; Yet now and then your men of wit Will condescend to take a bit."

"Proper words in proper places, make the true definition of a style."