All Quotes

"That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters—they look better covered in oil."

"I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay."

"If you look on their lawn, there are... it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there?"

"This show is our own personal beliefs."

"Howard Kurtz: CNN has is broadcasting your show internationally. Jon Stewart: I am not. Kurtz: Does that make you legitimate? Stewart: No, I am illegitimate. I am the bastard son of anything. We're not— we're fake."

"Kurtz: So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"? Stewart: No. You guys are— Kurtz: You're just making fun— Stewart: You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists."

"I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology."

"If done for the right reasons, liberating a country from a despot, I don't see how that's immoral. Ah, done quickly, and then we all leave, yeah that's kind of... I mean, it's so much obviously more complicated than that. They're literally, if he doesn't allow inspections, we're bombing him — I'll allow inspections. If he doesn't allow them... on Tuesday — I'll allow them on Tuesday. If he doesn't serve fondue — alright, I'll serve fondue. I mean, they're gonna do anything, it's clear they cast their die, I mean, as hard as it is for Dick Cheney to get an erection, he's not gonna let this opportunity go by."

"Here is what I believe is the paradigm that would be effective and what I would love to see, and you're going to laugh because Fox News is my model. What Fox has done is they've got a guy, Roger Ailes, who's passionate and has created a model for a 24-hour news station that makes money based on a point of view... Using Fox's model, find someone with the passion and the huevos to just lay it on the line — not in a partisan way, not in the pursuit of political power and political gain, but in the pursuit of credibility. In the pursuit of being a judge, an arbiter, and earning the trust of the audience over time as an oversight to the shenanigans of the political world."

"If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics — and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy — but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, "that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?" But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say "bad monkey.""

"It's a brilliant metaphor. What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey masturbating at the zoo..."

"[Robert Novak] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape."

"We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements."

"I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on."

"The best part is that I'm able to come in, and whenever I want, choose an intern... oh, wait — Is this being recorded? No, the coolest part is the ability to have a silly thought about whatever is going on in your world at 10 o'clock in the morning, and be able to see it go out on the airwaves at 11 o'clock that night. That's an amazing privilege."

"The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every fucking day."

"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."

"That's the embarrassment. The embarrassment is that I'm given credibility in this world, because of the disappointment that the public has in what the news media does. Not because I have an ideological agenda."

"The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals, and the white guy is the one who feels like his country is being taken away from him. We’re bringing it on ourselves. And that’s the thing, Al-Qaeda, all those guys, ISIS, they’re not shit compared to the damage that we can apparently do to ourselves on a regular basis."

"Comedian Jon Stewart says political commentators are “making a mistake” focusing on former President Donald Trump’s individual contributions to eroding democracy, arguing instead that America’s institutions are vulnerable to “the idea that power is its own reward.” “I don’t know if autocracy is purely the domain of Donald Trump,” the former "Daily Show" host said in an interview aired Sunday on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “Unfortunately, the messiness of democracy is often maybe one of its greatest weak points. People generally want prosperity and security." "If a democratic system is having difficulty providing that or if it's being subverted by those who want to create chaos so that they can make a more authoritarian government, that's part of it, too,” he added. “If we have identified the pressure points where the guardrails look most vulnerable, that's where we should be focusing so much of our efforts in terms of strengthening. … The encouraging thing is watching on a grassroots level, people that are really viewing it as something that they want to protect and that they want to strengthen,” Stewart said."

"A worm is in the bud of youth, And at the root of age."

"Toll for the brave — The brave! that are no more; All sunk beneath the wave, Fast by their native shore!"

"And still to love, though prest with ill, In wintry age to feel no chill, With me is to be lovely still, My Mary!"

"Visits are insatiable devourers of time, and fit only for those who, if they did not that, would do nothing."

"My dog! what remedy remains, Since, teach you all I can, I see you, after all my pains, So much resemble man!"

"Beware of desp'rate steps! The darkest day (Live till tomorrow) will have passed away."

"Misses! the tale that I relate This lesson seems to carry — Choose not alone a proper mate, But proper time to marry."

"I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau, If birds confabulate or no."

"Thy morning bounties ere I left my home, The biscuit, or confectionary plum."

"Me howling winds drive devious, tempest-tossed, Sails ripped, seams op'ning wide, and compass lost."

"Oh that those lips had language! Life has pass'd With me but roughly since I heard thee last."

"The son of parents pass'd into the skies."

"Misery still delights to trace Its semblance in another's case."

"No voice divine the storm allay'd, No light propitious shone; When, snatch'd from all effectual aid, We perish'd, each alone; But I beneath a rougher sea, And whelmed in deeper gulphs than he."

"Oh! for a closer walk with God, A calm and heav'nly frame; A light to shine upon the road That leads me to the Lamb!"

"What peaceful hours I once enjoyed! How sweet their memory still! But they have left an aching void The world can never fill."

"And Satan trembles when he sees The weakest saint upon his knees."

"God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform; He plants his footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm."

"Deep in unfathomable mines Of never failing skill, He treasures up his bright designs, And works his sovereign will."

"Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take, The clouds ye so much dread, Are big with mercy, and shall break In blessings on your head."

"Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face."

"His purposes will ripen fast, Unfolding every hour; The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet will be the flower."

"Blind unbelief is sure to err, And scan his work in vain; God is his own interpreter, And he will make it plain."

"There is a fountain fill'd with blood Drawn from Emmanuel's veins; And sinners, plung'd beneath that flood, Lose all their guilty stains."

"Hark, my soul! it is the Lord; 'Tis thy (Saviour, hear his word; Jesus speaks, and speaks to thee: "Say, poor sinner, lov'st thou me?""

"Glory, built On selfish principles, is shame and guilt."

"Is base in kind, and born to be a slave."

"As if the world and they were hand and glove."

"Admirals extolled for standing still, Or doing nothing with a deal of skill."

"Thus happiness depends, as Nature shows, Less on exterior things than most suppose."