All Quotes

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

"I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody."

"I go around slashing tire prices."

"I'm addicted to prescription glasses."

"I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling."

"I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."

"I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else."

"I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world."

"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."

"I saw a stationery store move."

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough."

"I model irregular clothing."

"I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop."

"I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

"I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job."

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

"Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?"

"Take my life, please."

"Thank you."

"Am I bothering you, miss?"

"It'll be over soon, miss."

"Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)"

"Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?"

"Did you know it was a year ago today?"

"Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke."

"Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate."

"You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you Girl, we couldn't get much higher. Come on baby, light my fire — Come on baby, light my fire — Try to set the night on fire."

"I didn't plan on rock 'n' roll. I wanted to learn jazz; I got to know some people doing rock 'n' roll with jazz, and I thought I could make money playing music. In rock 'n' roll you can realize anything that you can in jazz or anything. There's no limitation other than the beat. You have more freedom than you do in anything except jazz — which is dying — as far as making any money is concerned."

"Wilt thou fear that, and fear not my desire?"

"In The Doors we have both musicians and poets, and both know of each other's art, so we can effect a synthesis. In the case of Tim Buckley or Dylan you have one man's ideas. Most groups today aren't groups. In a true group all the members create the arrangements among themselves."

"Most of our ancestors were not perfect ladies and gentlemen. The majority of them weren't even mammals."

"I first heard of the 23 Enigma from William S. Burroughs, author of Naked Lunch, Nova Express, etc. According to Burroughs, he had known a certain Captain Clark, around 1960 in Tangier, who once bragged that he had been sailing 23 years without an accident. That very day, Clark’s ship had an accident that killed him and everybody else aboard. Furthermore, while Burroughs was thinking about this crude example of the irony of the gods that evening, a bulletin on the radio announced the crash of an airliner in Florida, USA. The pilot was another Captain Clark and the flight was Flight 23."

"There is no governor anywhere; you are all absolutely free. There is no restraint that cannot be escaped. We are all absolutely free. If everybody could go into dhyana at will, nobody could be controlled — by fear of prison, by fear of whips or electroshock, by fear of death, even. All existing society is based on keeping those fears alive, to control the masses. Ten people who know would be more dangerous than a million armed anarchists."

"No wife, no horse, no mustache."

"Guerrilla ontology The basic technique of all my books. Ontology is the study of being; the guerrilla approach is to so mix the elements of each book that the reader must decide on each page 'How much of this is real and how much is a put-on?'""

"The persons we think we are have been manufactured out of some shotgun wedding of history and and imagination."

"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea."

"The Western World has been brainwashed by Aristotle for the last 2,500 years. The unconscious, not quite articulate, belief of most Occidentals is that there is one map which adequately represents reality. By sheer good luck, every Occidental thinks he or she has the map that fits. Guerrilla ontology, to me, involves shaking up that certainty. I use what in modern physics is called the "multi-model" approach, which is the idea that there is more than one model to cover a given set of facts. As I've said, novel writing involves learning to think like other people. My novels are written so as to force the reader to see things through different reality grids rather than through a single grid. It's important to abolish the unconscious dogmatism that makes people think their way of looking at reality is the only sane way of viewing the world. My goal is to try to get people into a state of generalized agnosticism, not agnosticism about God alone, but agnosticism about everything. If one can only see things according to one's own belief system, one is destined to become virtually deaf, dumb, and blind. It's only possible to see people when one is able to see the world as others see it. That's what guerrilla ontology is — breaking down this one-model view and giving people a multi-model perspective."

"My early work is politically anarchist fiction, in that I was an anarchist for a long period of time. I'm not an anarchist any longer, because I've concluded that anarchism is an impractical ideal. Nowadays, I regard myself as a libertarian. I suppose an anarchist would say, paraphrasing what Marx said about agnostics being "frightened atheists," that libertarians are simply frightened anarchists. Having just stated the case for the opposition, I will go along and agree with them: yes, I am frightened. I'm a libertarian because I don't trust the people as much as anarchists do. I want to see government limited as much as possible; I would like to see it reduced back to where it was in Jefferson's time, or even smaller. But I would not like to see it abolished. I think the average American, if left totally free, would act exactly like Idi Amin. I don't trust the people any more than I trust the government."

"A true initiation never ends."