"I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through…"

"Allen: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it? Woman: Yes, it is. Allen: What does it say to you? Woman: It …"

"I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot."

"Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!"

"Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish."

"Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy…"

"Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they…"

"I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers."

"Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous."

"On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."