"I hate to advocate alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me."

"You couldn't invent someone like Carl Lazlo. He was a ... he was one of a kind. He was a mutant. A real heavyweight w…"

"No need to panic. I'll just lash together a few raw facts, a little bit of old Negro wisdom, and this nightmare is over."

"[Urging his dog to attack a Nixon mannequin] Bronco ... Nixon."

"There, chew on that gibberish for awhile, you heartless scum!"

"I was a working journalist, a hired geek of sorts, and Lazlo was great copy and sometimes a great lawyer. It was a fa…"

"[Reacting to a police officer's testimony in court] You were looking for a bomb in a pack of cigarettes?"

"He became a man the day of the greatest game he ever played. Everything he ever knew about common decency and moralit…"

"Super Sunday. Dawn. My recollections of the last twelve hours are very dim. All that I know for certain is that short…"

"Well I guess if I had to swear one way or another, I'd say Lazlo wasn't insane. He just had very strange rhythms. But…"