"...bring an umbrella."

"Dave Spritz is about to take his best shot. At life."

"That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing."

"The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garba…"

"Here's the thing: if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a g…"

"[Thinking, while looking at a woman's butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, I'd like to put my face in there. …"

"The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to sin…"

"I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet y…"

"I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong…"

"In life, accuracy counts."