"In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls, and maybe 1,000 of them were obscene. That's a very small perce…"

"You know the difference between your mom and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow me around after I du…"

"You get my son to call you daddy, I fuck your wife!"

"I'm here to make you not suck."

"Will Ferrell - Camden "Cam" Brady"

"Zach Galifianakis - Martin Sylvester "Marty" Huggins"

"Katherine LaNasa - Rose Brady"

"Dylan McDermott - Tim Wattley"

"John Lithgow - Glenn Motch"

"Seth Morris - Confession Husband"