"Just when you thought it was safe to look at the calendar again."

"The year's number 1 horror-comedy spoof!"

"Richard Benjamin — John"

"Jeffrey Tambor — Waldemar"

"Severn Darden — Van Helsing"

"Kari Michaelsen — Debbie"

"Gennie James - Possum Spalding, Edna's daughter"

"Ray Baker - Sheriff Royce Spalding, Edna's late husband"

"[Moze caught with her silver in hand] You ever try and steal anything from me again, I'll shoot you myself, you under…"

"[to Moze] You took a no-account piece of land and a bunch of people that didn't know what they were doin' and you far…"