"An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone."

"If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less…"

"They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half a…"

"There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two."

"Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it."

"Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Po…"

"A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-l…"

"A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating h…"

"Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest...whoever gets to put Michael Ja…"

"This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to My head."