"[offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me."

"[to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit…"

"[after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope."

"I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything."

"[about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?"

"[to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat…"

"I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet."

"There's no sense arguing with a woman."

"This script is an insult to a man's intelligence - even mine...It's impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and …"

"[after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!"