"I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. [mimics weighing himself down with shopping] "Get …"

"Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newbo…"

"So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, e…"

"It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a …"

"[about public transport] It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you …"

"[about travelling by train]"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to…"

"And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You ge…"

"People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a…"

"[imitates a terrorist] "We must penetrate the west at their most vulnerable spot: Glasgow Airport!" [shakes head] I t…"

"My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm…"