"They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars."

"It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become. There’s never a technological advancement where p…"

"I just don’t trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there’s been another ridiculous climb of the Dow …"

"I think of boxing a lot with standup. I even train with boxing trainers"

"Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about."

"Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you’ll probably never get it back. If you let people dow…"

"Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna d…"

"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divor…"

"I'll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but …"

"I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a…"