"Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't wa…"

"Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!"

"I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perfo…"

"Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who sa…"

"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?"

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox."

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."

"I think it would a good idea now if all the ugly ones came and sat down near the front! You have! Good!"

"I never really had any aspirations to be an actor when I was young. I wanted to play the piano in a bar, to be the ol…"