"I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!"

"Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!"

"I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he …"

"It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!"

"Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!"

"And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? M…"

"And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!"

"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I …"

"4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!"

"I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!"