"Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can neve…"

"A messy home sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise, Mom would dust.""

"Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards."

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."

"Terrible name for a war. Never set a date for withdrawal."

"Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or "heresy"."

"Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews! If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kil…"

"A whole bunch of magical beings based on different parts of nature? That's not a religion, that's Pokemon. Which show…"

"I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed…"