"Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?"

"The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around."

"If I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven. He looks around and says, 'I…"

"Martinis are like breasts, one isn't enough, and three is too many."

"The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever, but what's wrong with that, really?"

"I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there."

"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."

"Parking is such street sorrow."

"A city is where you can sign a petition, boo the chief justice, fish off a pier, gaze at a hippopotamus, buy a flower…"

"On Monday, the Chronicle ran a long piece on Herb Caen, by Herb Caen. My first reaction was, "My God, he's dead." Aft…"