"I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike."

"I understand that there's a large party of Scottish people here tonight... [Silence] I'll kill that researcher!"

"Anyone got a van? [Silence] That's right, you never see them any more, do you, vans. Trying to spoil my DVD?"

"I've got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up there is a slight delay on the line after I've spoken because …"

"Nan, she died again, tragically. We decided to get her embalmed, we threw a bit of money at it. And the embalmer aske…"

"You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is i…"

"You know, he cries every time he sees a fossil, because he remembers it when it was running around. Thats how old he is!"

"He remembers when lizards were fish. Thats how old he is!"

"You know, he burned his first ever pair of shoes, because when he was a kid, the Earth was still hot. Thats how old h…"

"Why is it only Tudor buildings we mock?"