"Elisabeth Shue - Elisabeth Shue"

"Amy Poehler - Cricket Feldstein"

"I feel like I've been raped....IN THE FACE!"

"Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson."

"It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating."

"[in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!"

"It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!"

"You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!"

"I still get nervous around ethnics."

"Steve Coogan - Dana Marschz"