"I swear, you two are the most fucked up people I've ever known and I specialize in fucked up!"

"Elvis is in Missouri!"

"[to Amy] You. Fucking. Bitch."

"[Opening lines] When I think of my wife, I always think of the back of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull,…"

"[Last lines]What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?"

"Everyone knows that 'complicated' is a code word for bitch."

"(To Nick) Boo hoo ! I lost my job. Guess I'll fuck a teenager."

"I thought writers hated cliches."

"I'm so much happier now that I'm dead. Technically missing. Soon to be presumed dead. Gone. And my lazy lying shittin…"

"Amazing fucking Amy is getting fucking married!"