"[talking on the phone] Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest wit…"

"[on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!"

"And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!""

"We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!"

"Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now."

"[holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong [Root quickly gives and …"

"[on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky, and Jan Brady all rolled into one."

"Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?"

"[trying to pronounce "roads"] Row-ads. Roods."

"Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly"