"Nothing kills me. I'm immune to one-hundred seventy-nine different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring."

"You—times infinity."

"Well, I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do. Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age."

"And I know there's a fucking Face/Off machine! You're jus' keeping it secret from me."

"I'm pretty sure we all took a fucking vow. I remember it. I remember raising my fucking hand and saying some shit."

"Once I asked someone for a Tylenol and they gave me a Tylenol PM. I'm not sure what their intentions were, but…"

"I'm Penny, like the penny."

"Maybe I should be married to one of the dolls just to make it extra sad. "Ten cats"—wh—why do I have ten cats? Is that even legal? Just missing a shirt that says I've never felt the touch of a man."

"Could this hotel be any more murder-y?"

"I just…I still, y'know, hear my mom's voice: "Well-behaved women often make history.""

"Jessica St. Clair - Whitney"

"You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!"

"It's coming out of me like lava!"

"This is some classy sh-... [burp] I want to apologize. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of."

"I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution."

"Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards."

"[to Annie, after sex] This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick."

"Kristen Wiig - Annie Walker"

"Maya Rudolph - Lillian Donovan"

"Rose Byrne - Helen Harris III"

"Melissa McCarthy - Megan Price"

"Wendi McLendon-Covey - Rita"

"Ellie Kemper - Becca"

"Chris O'Dowd - Officer Rhodes"

"Jill Clayburgh - Annie's mother"

"Jon Hamm - Ted (uncredited)"

"Rebel Wilson - Brynn"

"Matt Lucas - Gil"

"Andy Buckley - Perry Harris"

"Melanie Hutsell - Carol"

"Michael Hitchcock - Don"

"Tim Heidecker - Doug Price"

"Ben Tibber - David"