"[addressing foreign dignitaries at Spider Canyon] Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...the past made present... the United, Divided! [unveils map of a partitioned US and explains it all] Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan. Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain. Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona revolve a Mexico. [refers to "Loveless Land" encompassing Oregon, Nevada, Kansas and the Territories of Utah, Washington, Idaho, Colorado, Dakota, Montana, and Nebraska] And a little piece for me to retire on. [guests laugh]"

"[revealing himself to be a U.S. Marshal after disguising himself as a courtesan and being called 'lady' by Jim West] I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S. Marshal!"

"[upon being caught impersonating U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant by Grant himself] President Grant... Sir, these are perilous times. I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir."

"Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost. It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive anyway. [chuckles for a bit] We may have lost the war, but Heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No... not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, 35 feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South, DO WE EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!"

"Nitro?! THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU TRANSPORT NITRO!"

"Cayen Martin as Young James Darrell Edwards III/Young Agent J"

"Emma Thompson as Agent O"

"Alice Eve as Young Agent O"

"I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favorite moment in human history."

"Tommy Lee Jones as Agent K"

"Michael Chernus as Jeffrey Price"

"Keone Young as Mr. Wu"

"Lanny Flaherty as Obadiah Price"

"Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?"

"-[followed on] 'Oh dear, I never see this one coming.'"

"(To J): 'Boris the Animal...I put him away a long time ago, it's the worst mistake I ever made.'"

"[After seeing 1969 K shoot 1969 Boris] Where there's death, there will always be death."

"[repeated line, whenever someone calls him "Boris the Animal"] It's just Boris!"

"[hanging on to Lily, preventing her from being sucked out into space] Sorry, darling. We did love the cake. [releases her]"

"[last words] Go ahead. Arrest me."

"'When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson- who only became a baseball player because his father couldn't find him a football to give him for his eighth birthday- it hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones- who would have been born Clara, a statistical typist, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.'"

"You know, all movies go through a lot of drafts, and on this one, everyone just decided to make a bigger deal out of that. What I would say is, what made finessing the script harder on this one is that we were combining two genres. We were combining a Men in Black movie and a time travel movie and we had never done a time travel movie before. I can’t tell you how many times we watched Back to the Future. But the thing about time travel is you have to really set up the rules. You have to make sure the audience understands the rules. You have to make sure the characters understand the rules and you have to have the audience understand why the characters are doing the things they are doing to achieve what they need to do. And you’ve got two different Borises, you’ve got Young K and Old K. So, making these movies are hard enough and making a time travel movie is double hard. And putting them both together is quadruple hard. That’s what took a lot of drafts, because you’d think you solved a problem in the second act and then someone would wake up at 3:00 in the morning and go, “Wait a minute, we can’t kill him first, then the other one dies too.” So obviously in a perfect world you work that out [in the script] ten years ago."

"Jemaine Clement as Boris the Animal"

"Michael Stuhlbarg as Griffin"

"Mike Colter as Colonel James Darrell Edwards, Jr."

"Nicole Scherzinger as Lily"

"David Rasche as Agent X"

"Bill Hader as Andy Warhol / Agent W"

"Will Arnett as Agent AA"

"(To O on the phone): '...Lunar Max Prison- Boris the Animal.'"

"No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, K is masculine. Y'know, I see a couple, I'm like... OK."

"May I have your attention please... [Neuralyzes a crowd] Okay. You know how your kid won the goldfish in that little baggy from the school fair, but you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flush it down the toilet? Well, this what happens. [Points to an alien fish being towed away] Okay, see what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids!"

"First of all, my name is J. Okay? It's not Son, it's not Slick, and it damn sure ain't no Cochise."

"[Upon seeing K’s car destroyed by Boris’ motorcycle after Boris captured Griffin] Damn it!"

"[To Boris] 'You might wanna get a pedicure if you get a second.'"

"[giving a eulogy] I worked with Zed for over 40 years and in all that time he never invited me to dinner, he never asked me to his house to watch a game, he never shared a single detail of his personal life. [long pause] Thank you!"

"I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to."

"[While pointing his gun in J's temple] We'll take it from here."

"(Before shooting 1969 Boris) Not this time."

"Let's agree to disagree!"

"[after his weasel animal settles into the cavity in his hand] You complete me."

"(To K): 'Yes, my arm. (Speaking to his pet) We've thought about that moment...(looking up) everyday...for the last 40 years.'"

"(To past self) ' With my help, we'll get the Arc Net, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we'll get to keep both of our ar...AR...ARRR...STOP STARING AT IT!'"

"[repeated line] That was a close one."

"A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway."

"[talking to K at Wu’s restaurant] Man, I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel."

"Will Smith as Agent J"

"Josh Brolin as Young Agent K"

"Okay! You know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell-phone off. And you're like, I ain't turning my cell-phone off, that don't have nothing to do with no damn airplane. Well, [Showing the crowd a crashed spaceship] this is what we get, that's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellites, then blam! Just turn your damn cell-phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight because your GPS don't work."