"When you're dating, everything is talking about sex. Where can we do it? Why can't we do it? Are you parents gonna be out so we can do it? Everything is always talkin' about getting sex, and then planning the wedding, all the details. But then, when you get married... it's crazy, I dunno. You can get it whenever you want it. You wake up in the morning and she's there. You come home from work and she's there. So all that sex planning talk is over with. And so is the wedding planning talk, 'cause you're already married. So... ya know I can come down here and we can bullshit the entire night away but I cannot hold a 5 minute conversation with Beth. I mean it's not her fault, I'm not blaming her, she's great... It's just, we got nothing to talk about... But it's good, it's good."

"All I did was I parked the car on a nice lonely road, I looked at her, and I said fuck or fight."

"Do you ever get the feeling that there's something going on that we don't know about?"

"[to his older brother] It's funny. You know, when I was a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to mom once and she said, "You have a brother". I said, "Oh, so that's who the asshole in the other bed is"."

"I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family."

"You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong."

"Clement Fowler - Mr. Simmons"

"Kelle Kipp - Diane"

"Colette Blonigan - Carol Heathrow"

"Jessica James - Mrs. Simmons"

"Michael Tucker - Bagel"

"Paul Reiser - Modell"

"Brian F. O'Byrne - George"

"The scrotum is the devil's tobacco pouch!"

"Anna Friel - Bronagh"

"Barry McEvoy - Colm"

"Enda Oates - Detective"

"Billy Connolly - Scalper"

"Laurence Kinlan - Mickey"

"Pauline McLynn - Gerty"

"And when you see the J-Man, you tell him, "Bosco says we're even." And up your ass with Mobil Gas."

"Don't hassle me about crumbs, man. Because I am on the edge of the edge."

"Darren McGavin - Gus Sands"

"Some mistakes I guess we never stop paying for."

"[after his hand-made bat breaks] Pick me out a winner Bobby."

"People don't start playing ball at your age, they retire!"

"I wanted to win that pennant worse than I wanted any goddamned thing in my life. You'd think I could just this once, wouldn't you? I didn't care nothing about the Series. Win or lose, I would have been satisfied."