"[upon hearing her verdict] What ever fate awaits me, it cannot comp... compare to the pain I have... when all you hold dear is taken and you have nothing left, risk is of little consequence. And when a ray of hope came into view, I reached for it with all my might. I realise... I realise now that it is too late, that honor does not live in the name. It comes from what you carry in your heart. I realize, now that it is too late, that honor does not live in the name. It comes from what you carry in your heart."

"Why do the people hate me? 'Wasn't always so."

"I shall give them what they want. I will sit here quietly in my disgrace. It's what they've always wanted!"

"[on hearing about the necklace plot] I knew something grand was a foot. You can rest assured I will be an asset to this venture."

"[to Jeanne, after meeting with the fake Antoinette] I know what you're up to. Antoinette is secretly in love with me. Deny it if you will, but don't ask me to play the fool."

"To Jeanne, the whole of the necklace was not as glorious as what its parts could yield. It was a means to an end. And though I will not justify the actions of the young countess, I late came to understand her reasoning. (pauses) Who does not aspire to take back what was taken from them? Who does not dream of returning home?"

"[to Louis about Antoinette wanting public vindication] The queen offers up a sweet plum before ravens. Pray none takes a bite."

"French history is reduced to the level of American tabloid-style gossip in [this] staggeringly misguided stab at making the past come alive by people who have absolutely no feel for period filmmaking. Banal at best and laughable at worst."

"The earnest ineptitude of the picture makes it all the more painful to watch gifted actors . . . waste gravity and conviction on roles that could be saved only by parody."

"Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!"

"For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!"

"[After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books] ...She painted over the numbers..."

"[after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!"

"Let's get out of here before they kill us."

"We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?"

"Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!"

"What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!"

"[with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!"

"[reading a postcard] Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!"

"I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!"

"[to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?"

"And what a day! In the same day I have taken the Siegfried oath, I've danced with a cop, a sailor and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian."

"When's it gonna be Bloomsday?"

"I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!"

"[Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!"

"Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine."

"Stop the world! I wanna get on!"

"I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!"

"You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public asshole!"

"MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!"

"[Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]"

"I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!"

"Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!"

"Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!"

"Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!"

"[Finding Max and Leo under a desk] You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]"

"Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!"

"I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!"

"I must tell my birds!"

"Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!"

"AQAP! [pause] As kvick as possible!"

"Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was descended from a long line of English kveens."

"Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was a terrific dancer."

"Gott in Himmel!"

"That's because you were taken in by the BBC! FILTHY BRITISH LIES! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! BLEUGH! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!"

"[Whispered at the end of the credits] Don't forget to buy... Mein Kampf... in paperback... available near you... at Border's Books... or Barnes & Noble... und Amazon.com... guten tag."

"I shall have to think about it - I'll do it."

"[signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!"

"Quick darling, back in the closet!"

"You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day."